It’s going on two hours now and I can’t stop crying.
I thought I had six more months. That’s what I had paced myself for and steeled myself for.
But I don’t have six more months.
I have one.
One more month and the last tie to my past is cut clean.
I received a generous birthday gift today that will allow me to pay off the rest of debt from my ex. He left me with so much to pay – lawyers, doctors, court fees, insurance, utilities, car payments.
And two credit cards in my name.
One of them made me angry but didn’t make me feel violated. It was used for furniture we owned and I was told it was paid off (as per our agreement) before the end of the one year grace period on interest. I was angry that he didn’t pay and I was left holding the bill, but at least it was for a joint purpose.
As for the other?
That’s different. I never checked the account because it was only supposed to be an emergency line of credit. I guess we had different definitions of emergency. After he left and I first saw that account, I felt a weight press down on me.
Its balance was equal to my take-home pay for one year.
The activity showed expenditures on his honeymoon with the other wife as well as large transfers to a card in his name and multiple cash withdrawals.
I’ve been paying on that account for years, trying to mitigate the sick anger and disgust with every payment by including a note of gratitude in my “July disasster” file.
I’ve been carrying the weight of that account for years, cash-strapped as a significant portion of every paycheck has gone to fund whatever lies he was living.
This gift today is a gift of freedom.
Freedom from the emotional burden of that damned debt that’s like a monetization of his lies.
Freedom to receive my entire paycheck for the first time in five years without paying for the mistakes of the past.
Freedom to begin to save to finally replace my car.
Freedom to build without encumbrances – looking forward and paying forward.
I can breathe.
But I still can’t stop crying:)