Timeline of a Divorce

40 Responses

  1. Thank you for writing often about this…I feel like I need to censor myself so I neglect to share much, but this always helps me and your posts seem to come through at perfect moments. I’m at year three. I’m super proud of you. Again, thank you for sharing.

  2. crystalb86 says:

    I really appreciate you sharing this. People act like it’s not normal for me to still be grieving (my divorce was finalized in April), but I was with the man for 8 years. I can’t just move on overnight.

    • People are often uncomfortable with emotion and the process of healing, thus the “get over it” mindset. It takes time and that’s okay.Just keep taking those baby steps forward.

      • crystalb86 says:

        I thought I was doing really well moving on from my divorce, but then my suspicions that my ex was having an affair with a co-worker was confirmed, and it’s opened all of those wounds again.

  3. Michelle says:

    Reblogged this on Missives by Michelle and commented:
    The one thing I have learned through in life is that you can not out a time line on grieving!

  4. momfawn says:

    Lisa, I am glad that at year 5 you are good — I know it has been a long, rocky path. I am now at year 4 since I left my husband (the best thing I ever did for either of us), and ready to file for divorce with a clear head. – Fawn

  5. reluctantmom says:

    Excellent post —- I keep thinking I am fine, then 3 hours later I am walking around dazed and confused. I kept nodding as I read it —- I have added it to my blog —

  6. Christine Na'imah says:

    I’ll add to the voices of thanks: I just passed the one-year-since-asking-him-to-move-out, and what would have been our twentieth anniversary passed without comment (I made a new friend, since my old friends are gone, and went for a gluten-free burger. There were a couple of tears.). My divorce was final in September. Went on some dates in Oct., found I wasn’t ready, just now trying again. Spent most of the winter not feeling, not being; in shock. Waking, now, to a glorious summer, and so thankful for it. <3 it helps to see someone else's process, and to read these comments.

  7. gratefulgill says:

    Reblogged this on gratefulgill and commented:
    This is great. There are so many days, that I feel out of control of everything. I walk around in circles, cry, yell, whatever. The days are flying by quickly, in 5 days it will be our 18 year anniversary. We are not divorced yet, but he is gone. I am dreading it.

    Thank you for the great post.

  8. Beth says:

    So helpful! I am at year 5, and I still struggle more than I am comfortable with. Everyone thinks I should be over it, no longer hurting, but that just isn’t MY timeline. My story is a shocker as well and I am the one who left, mostly to protect my children. But grief is a sneaky little weasel. She still sneaks up on me when I least expect it.

    • “Not MY timeline” – love it! And you are so right, grief is sneaky. We can’t always avoid its attacks, but we can get better at spotting them and recovering from them.

  9. This is wonderfully well timed. I am discovering I started the timeline way back nearly three years ago, the first time he left. I never healed, never really let him come back though he was physically in my home he wasn’t here and I knew it. In my heart I knew it. My divorce, it was final in May but that was just the icing, it should have been far earlier.

  10. Jenny Deiser says:

    I really appreciated reading your timeline and related to it so much. It truly does take years to get back on your feet after a divorce and move beyond the ghosts of your past.

  11. DogDharma says:

    Thank you for sharing, Lisa. It gives me hope to know that healing is possible, though I understand the scars will never completely fade. I just “celebrated” the 4 year wedding anniversary. I had a year of love-bombing and lies, with several overseas trips back and forth, plus 10 months of actually living together as husband and wife. Not yet divorced due to the international factor, and because I refuse to spend one more thin dime on her after all the scams and betrayals. 5 years out since I had the misfortune of meeting her, and the pain is only starting to wane a little as I’ve begun to share my story. Worse thing of all — she was involved in the death of my beloved 14 year old dog who I took to the UK with me.

    So thank you again for sharing. It’s sad, but it helps to know that one is no alone in this kind of experience.

    • One of the main reasons that I share is that I felt so alone when all of this was happening. I felt like people were judging me – the whole “two sides to every story” and there must be some awful truth about me that was hidden under wraps.

      I hear you on the dog. Mine left the dogs and cat locked in the basement, not knowing if they would survive. They were without food and water for about 3 days. Luckily they okay, but then I had to fine new homes for them as I was not able to care for them anymore. Still brings tears…

      This will always be a defining part of your life but you can choose what it defines. Best to you,

  12. Solo Dad says:

    I’m at Month 2 and seem to be on track. The new reality is slowly becoming normal. She finally moved out so cleansing and refreshing the house has become a high priority. I’ve even gotten an extra short haircut which she never liked, but i do. Generally speaking the rebuild is in full swing. I’ve even started noticing other women in a way that I haven’t in over 6 years, which is still a little weird.

    Still, there are times when I unconsciously start to fiddle with the wedding ring that is no longer on my hand. I still sleep on “my side” of the now empty bed. I still have several little habits that I developed while we were learning to live together. And maybe most difficult of all; I catch myself as I’m about to tell a funny “married life story” or a great story from our wedding day. Stifling those little stories, forever tainted now, is more difficult than I thought it would be.

  13. Divorce is a grieving process. You have to accept that a part of you is dying. I don’t think it’s necessary to stifle any memories that once made you happy, just because it ended badly. (I am 7 years out of a divorce. Spent a year mourning/accepting the loss/ coming to terms with his affair. Dated on and off…short term relationships. 6 months ago finally met a man who was the first ever I introduced to my two young daughters.)

  14. cbukszpan says:

    Interesting to read this…. I feel like in some ways I am having the opposite experience. Marriage ended in January but I realized within a day or two it had really been over for me for at least three or four years and I had been grieving it all that time. So I found that while there was a lot to deal with logistically, emotionally after we split up I felt very relieved and actually pretty happy. I feel bad watching my children figure out their relationship with their dad in this new landscape but in terms of my own heart, I feel better than I did in years. So people seem to think I am TOO over it. I am certainly open to whatever comes up for me and there are times I feel angry or sad but mostly just sad that I stayed as long as I did, or sad for my kids. I don’t miss him, I don’t love him, and I am thankful for a chance to start my life over. I am excited to meet new people and to reconnect with everyone I care about; I became so isolated in the past few years.

    • And no one experience is right or wrong. Your grieving happened while you were still married whereas some people (I’m in this category) didn’t start the process until the marriage ended. I’m glad to hear you’re excited about starting your new life:) Make it a grand one!!!

  15. Sammy says:

    It’s been over 4 years for me, and I still am not much closer to ending this hellish nightmare that hubby had created so well.

    Married almost 30 yrs, was a good marriage, both always agreed and felt lucky. Our marriage wasn’t work… It worked. Or I thought.

    He wants the marriage back. We have lived separately for the past 4 yes. He just doesn’t get the marriage isn’t the same for me.

    I’ve been completely co dependent on him, never worked he did all monies.

    I am very trapped, as he has expressed over and over , he can’t imagine me ever with another man. It would kill him! I worry about $ and starting over at 62. Not a fun place…

  16. Heather says:

    Thank you for sharing! October will be one year and the past two weeks for some reason has been quite challenging. It comes and goes in waves. But when it comes it hits hard and the pain feels unbearable. I’m holding so much anger and still questioning why. We have 3 children together and he has totally stepped out. I don’t recognize the man I was with for 15yrs. Every few months I text him to try so the kids can see him. Ends up the same way every time. Hurtful words and than poor him (narcissistic behavior). I should know better than to feed into it but continues to break my heart for my kids. Thank you so much for sharing your blog. It helps so much reading this and other people’s comments. This particular article gives me hope and makes me realize I’m not abnormal with all my thoughts and feelings.

    • Not abnormal at all. And it’s totally normal to have a period of increased emotion around anniversaries of important sates. The good news – they get easier with each passing year. Give those kiddos a hug for me and let them know they’re loved.

  17. Jessica says:

    Thank you for writing this. My soon to be ex just went to work one day and didn’t come back. After 2 months of being seperated he finally decided he wanted a divorce with tears in his eyes. I am completely destroyed and somehow have to figure out how to navigate through this.

  18. Lex says:

    Today would have been our 25th anniversary. I have lived alone ever since, never fell in love again. I’m 61. I still miss him, dream about him. Very tough day

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