Digital Dumps

So, I guess ending a relationship via text is now an acceptable thing. At least that’s what this article from Psychology Today seems to suggest. The piece calls ending it via text “tacky,” yet seems to feel that is a justifiable way for the man (is this always done by men?) to initiate a break-up.

I just can’t agree. Now, granted, I’m not an objective observer of this particular phenomenon. After all, my ex ended a 16 year relationship with a text without any follow-up at all. It left me angry. Helpless. Filled with questions and impotence. My innocuous phone dispensed with my marriage with nothing more than a chime sounded in warning.

And, from the recipient’s standpoint, I cannot endorse this approach. A text is for information. Flirting. Maybe a slight disagreement.

But to end a relationship of any significance?


Would you quit a career via text? Propose via text? Announce a poor medical diagnosis unexpectedly via text?

Probably not.

So, ending a marriage or engagement?

A side note here. I was on the Frank Love radio show last year and he agreed with my ex’s approach. I could tell I was healed when I found it funny rather than offensive:)

There are some things, no matter how uncomfortable, that simply deserve actually confronting the truth and the person it may hurt, no matter how difficult.

I did like the part in the article about deception and the difficulty the deceiver has facing the collateral damage of his or her choices. It seems some people would rather run away than face the consequences.

Unfortunately, that always leaves someone else to clean up after his or her mess.

Sorry for the rant, this just fires me up. Maybe I should create a public service announcement:)



Thank you for sharing!

20 thoughts on “Digital Dumps

  1. Running away instead if sticking through and fixing problems seems to run true with a lot of us in here. Our exes find that it’s too difficult to fix, easier to run away. Well thank you very friggin much for your “drop the bomb and run” technique. We are left with shattered hope and not even a broom to clean it all up with.

    1. I don’t why, but I find the broom comment funny. Maybe because mine left the broom:)

      You are so right though about running away vs facing being a common theme. It’s why I made sure to address my own discomfort of confrontation and deliberately looked for a new partner that didn’t have a propensity to hide or run.

      1. You know where he can shove that broom, right?
        I am working through tge trauma that I faced/am facing before I give a thought to another person. Who would want me with all that baggage??

  2. I agree that removing the “personal” part of ending a relationship (being in person) is tacky and relieves the purveyor of the news to avoid any accountability to their actions. Unfortunately that is the culture society seems to be continuing to promote forward… 🙁 Don’t do anything that may make you feel unhappy or uncomfortable…it’s all about what YOU want/need. I try not to live this way, and I try to teach my kids that this approach is unacceptable.

  3. momfawn – Visalia, CA – I am a sixty-something baby-boomer -- daughter, mother, wife (twice), grandmother, aunt, Independent Consultant with Close To My Heart -- retired and celebrating a life thoroughly lived.
    momfawn says:

    Ending a relationship by text is definitely tacky. I think many more men than women work at being clueless and not taking responsibility for breakups. I am finally divorcing my husband of 32 years this year after moving out four years ago. The other night via telephone he said, “We need to talk about why you left. I still don’t understand all of it.” (This after years of alcoholism compounded by an infidelity that left me breathless.) My answer was, “That’s why. Because you still don’t understand.” – Fawn

  4. elizabeth2560 – ABOUT ALMOST SPRING Two and a half years ago my 37 year marriage ended suddenly through no choice of my own. I survived the heartache. I have taken control of my present. I am planning my own destiny, which is moving onwards to a life of purpose and meaning. This is my journey.
    elizabeth2560 says:

    I was appalled the author of the article thought that a text was at least better than nothing. (WTF?) I got more than you as I at least got a cup of coffee – after 40 years. However, no discussion, just a presentation of his decision. And the reason given? If he had allowed me to discuss it he would have lost his nerve. So when I read that in the article (that seems an OK excuse to shirk responsibilities – not having the nerve) that hit a raw nerve with me too. Like you, I too got to clean up the mess which hits another nerve. I am not sure where to put my anger at this article. Maybe I can start an abandoned spouses revolution.
    Thanks for the link.

  5. 3kids2cats1divorce – Middle aged, stay at home mom to three teenagers, with two fat house cats lounging about. Estranged spouse has moved out to have a midlife crisis. I'm figuring out who I am, how to be a single mom, and looking for a job after 18 years at home raising kids. The kids and cats just want to be fed. Update January 2015: My estranged husband is now almost my ex-husband, just waiting for the judge to sign the papers. I've gone back to college and my youngest kid has started high school, which my local school board has deemed appropriate to start at 7-frickin'-o'clock in the morning. It's been almost three years since the midlife crisis blew up my family and I'm finally seeing the light at the end of that very long tunnel.
    3kids2cats1divorce says:

    The part that I feel gets swept under the rug in these digital dumps is the kids. My STBX dumped me via email two years ago and has only had to “face” me at the custody mediation and the settlement meeting. His cowardly choice has made it impossible for him to have a relationship with our three children. If you can’t be an adult with the other parent, how can you be an adult with your kids?

  6. Right now, my husband ( we are not divorced yet just living separately) seems to think that he does not need to apologize for every wrong he did to me. He makes it seem like I am the problem. I was good to him during the 12 years and four months that we were together. He treated me and my own kids like extra baggage but he knew that when he married me I had two kids already but after the wedding, he totally made it clear that he didn’t want my kids but that he would raise them and feed them and let them live in our house until they turned 18. Coming from a different country with no relatives, no money, no job at the time, I suffered in silence. It became better when he realized I have very good and well-behaved kids, very talented and smart . But he always told them that after high school, they are on their own. My son got an academic scholarship in Notre Dame and we were so proud of him but little did I know that he was depressed for years because of what my husband kept telling him since he was 10. He felt so scared that the time will come when he will be kicked out and will not be welcome back. In his sophomore year, he came home for Christmas break to tell me he was diagnosed with clinical depression and wanted to kill himself and planned how to do it. When my husband learned about it, he yelled at me and told me that my son cannot stay with us and that we might as well leave and move out of the house. So all those years of being a good wife never mattered to him. He could not be there for me to help me in dealing with my son’s problem. So, after finding a job in AZ thousands of miles from the only place we called home, we moved out. Right after that, my husband said that we would still be together in the end when my kids are gone from home. But as much as I love my husband, I regret not leaving him earlier. Now, I know he is dating other women and saying he is already divorced. To top it off, one of the women he flirts with is my best friend who also betrayed my trust. All I can think of is that I wish them bad karma.

  7. I had a boyfriend of two years do this to me and I remember feeling so cheap because of it. That that’s what he felt I, and out relationship, deserved. Awful.

  8. At this point? I wouldn’t have minded a text, at least it would have been some form of private communication versus the very public and humiliating Facebook announcement of my husbands return to his home country.

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