Do as I say.
Not as I do.
I talk about how whatever we nurture, grows. I discuss starting with the end in mind yet still starting at the beginning. I believe in the power of intention to drive our attention and, ultimately, our outcomes.
I say these things.
But in one area of my life, I haven’t been doing them.
One of the more difficult aspects of the divorce was the loss of the financial security I thought I had. Not only did I experience a dramatic drop in income between changes in teaching and tutoring, I also had to foot the bill for many of his actions.
In the beginning, my main attitude towards money was anger, as I paid and paid and paid for his transgressions. My pound of flesh had already been taken and now I was just scraping bone. So I found ways to address the anger. I wrapped the debt in gratitude, initiating a habit of writing something I’m thankful for every time I make a payment. When my mind wanders back to the hemorrhage of funds during the divorce that the courts were never able to recover, I turn my thoughts 180 degrees and focus on what I love in my life now. Things that money can’t buy.
The anger was eventually replaced with fear. That may have been good for the blood pressure, but it still didn’t help me sleep at night. I was scared of not having the needed funds to live. I was afraid of further nefarious action, bleeding the money even as it trickled in. The fear is still there, yet I have tempered it with reminders of the people that have my back in an emergency or with a brainstorming session of ways that I could earn money, if needed. It helps. But it hasn’t completely silenced the fear.
But that’s not really what I talking about. It’s a part, sure, but it’s a part I’ve been aware of and intentionally corralling.
This other thing?
I’ve been feeding.
For the last five years, a common utterance from me, both to myself and others, has been, “I don’t have money.”
It has become my unintentional mantra.
A guiding intention.
Whatever we nurture, grows.
My all-too-easily rational brain has been excusing this habit as merely a statement of fact. After all, this is an area where some realism is called for. If I walked out of the mall laden with designer-heavy shopping bags, well…let’s just say there would be consequences. Like no gas in the car.
I need to be realistic about what I have to work with.
But I don’t need to allow my current situation become my intention.
Because the truth is, I’ve been busting butt to pay down my hand-me-down debt and to generate new ways of earning income. Right now, I may not have money. But tomorrow? Maybe I will.
I need to get out of my own damned way.
And nurture what I want to grow.
I WILL have the financial freedom to live the life I want.
I WILL be debt free.
And, here’s what’s probably at the root of it all – I DO deserve to be paid. I’m worthy of it.
I’ve recorded the mantras above over the old one on my mental cassette tape. The old intention may bleed through at times, but I’m not allowing it to continue to play.
Hopefully soon, I can say,
Do as I do.