A Woman I Used to Know

The student pulled a clipboard from the bin.

“Who’s Mrs. —?” he inquired, reading my old married name off the back of the clipboard.

I smiled, “Oh, just a woman I used to know a long time ago.”

Ain’t that the truth.

 

Many of the items in my classroom are labeled with my old name. When students ask who she is, I’m vague. Most have concluded that she is a retired teacher who gifted many of her classroom items to me.

In a way, they’re right.

She’s certainly retired. Not from teaching, but the old Mrs. — is no longer around. There are those who remember her and tell stories of those days, but they are behind us now.

Mrs. — has been replaced.

No, that’s not quite right.

She’s been transformed.

 

One of the more difficult aspects of a major life renovation such as divorce is that we struggle to imagine ourselves any way other than we are in that moment. If you asked the old Mrs. — who she was, she would speak of her role as teacher and tutor, she would talk lovingly about her husband, she would tell stories of her dogs and you would be cautioned from getting her on the subject of plants.

In those days when all was washed away, I remember feeling homeless in my soul. I didn’t know who I was anymore. Who I would become. I knew I would never be the same yet I couldn’t imagine anything but what I was.

And that was a scary place to be. Not the old me anymore and yet not the new one either. A limbo of self.

Scary and yet empowering. Because when you’re rebuilding your life and your identity from the ground up, you have the power of choice and the wisdom of experience. And that’s a powerful pair.

And the main choice I made was to be happy. Not happy because of the tsunami divorce. Happy in spite of it.

Everything else was secondary.

 

And now, here I am. Mrs. again. Dog momma again. About to plant again.

On the surface, much may be the same.

But beneath?

Everything has changed.

Because you can’t go back.

But you can always move on.

 

The old Mrs.— has retired. And now she’s just a woman I used to know.

And if you happen to see her, please tell her thanks for clipboards.

 

 

Thank you for sharing!

19 thoughts on “A Woman I Used to Know

  1. When I was married, I used my maiden name and my married name sans a hyphen, as a part of a compromise with my ex-husband. I wanted to keep my maiden name when we married, but he took issue with that, so, I used both. Our two daughters have his last name, so, when we divorced, I wasn’t sure what to do about my last name. Keep it or change it?

    Even after 18 years of marriage, I never felt like his last name suited me, but I didn’t want him, our daughters, or his family to feel hurt if I changed my name. So, I consulted with my ex-husband and our daughters, and as a family, we decided that I would change my name back to my maiden name. It is truly how I am, and to have their support and blessing made it even more meaningful.

  2. elizabeth2560 – ABOUT ALMOST SPRING Two and a half years ago my 37 year marriage ended suddenly through no choice of my own. I survived the heartache. I have taken control of my present. I am planning my own destiny, which is moving onwards to a life of purpose and meaning. This is my journey.
    elizabeth2560 says:

    I wonder whether you are actually happy BECAUSE of your divorce not in spite of it. Are you happier now than your old self? If the answer is ‘yes’; then it is because of your divorce.

    1. I am happier now but not because of the divorce directly. I was happy in my first marriage and happy with my first husband. The changes have come from within as a result of the divorce. It brought up old hurts and allowed them to be healed. It gave me a gratitude I didn’t have before. And it’s been very intentional rebuilding. So, indirectly, yes. But the divorce didn’t make me happy. The choices I made did.

      1. elizabeth2560 – ABOUT ALMOST SPRING Two and a half years ago my 37 year marriage ended suddenly through no choice of my own. I survived the heartache. I have taken control of my present. I am planning my own destiny, which is moving onwards to a life of purpose and meaning. This is my journey.
        elizabeth2560 says:

        Great reply! 🙂

  3. 3kids2cats1divorce – Middle aged, stay at home mom to three teenagers, with two fat house cats lounging about. Estranged spouse has moved out to have a midlife crisis. I'm figuring out who I am, how to be a single mom, and looking for a job after 18 years at home raising kids. The kids and cats just want to be fed. Update January 2015: My estranged husband is now almost my ex-husband, just waiting for the judge to sign the papers. I've gone back to college and my youngest kid has started high school, which my local school board has deemed appropriate to start at 7-frickin'-o'clock in the morning. It's been almost three years since the midlife crisis blew up my family and I'm finally seeing the light at the end of that very long tunnel.
    3kids2cats1divorce says:

    *Love* this —- a woman I used to know. Those words comfort a little piece of my soul.

  4. FireWalker – The Refining Fire – I am a woman navigating this upside down world one step at a time. I have a love relationship with my God, four beautiful children and an ex-husband who is not beautiful but who has given me ample reason to sit at the Kings feet weep and learn. I am a called teacher in life, a career I love. I am a student of life and sit in wonder at it all.
    FireWalker says:

    Just today I labeled scissors in my classroom with my married name and then asked myself why I did that, it won’t be that much longer so why did I do that? I long for this to be me on the other side of my own tsunami divorce. Thanks for your great blog.

  5. FireWalker – The Refining Fire – I am a woman navigating this upside down world one step at a time. I have a love relationship with my God, four beautiful children and an ex-husband who is not beautiful but who has given me ample reason to sit at the Kings feet weep and learn. I am a called teacher in life, a career I love. I am a student of life and sit in wonder at it all.
    FireWalker says:

    I read your definition of a tsunami divorce, I guess mine is more like a hurricane than a tsunami.

  6. Let's CUT the Crap! – Canada – I'm getting a little LONG in the tooth and have things to say about---ouch---AGEing. I believe it's certainly a state of mind but sometimes it's nice to hear that you're NORMAL. I enjoy reading by the truckload. I'm a grandma but I don't feel OLD although I'm not so young anymore. My plan is to stick it out as long as I can on this lovely planet and only will leave it kicking and screaming!
    Let's CUT the Crap! says:

    🙂 🙂

  7. Joy – I'm 42, a divorced, then remarried mom of an 8 year old girl, a 2 year old boy, and a bonus 12 year old son. I'm a writer and a coach, and sometimes, a teacher. People tell me I tend to be brutally honest and ...tell it like it is, so I had hoped to use this outlet to keep me sane while I got used to my new life as a stay-at-home Mom back when I was home with my daughter....it worked. And it's been therapeutic through the end of a marriage and the emergence of me...
    Joy says:

    I loved this post. My name was just officially changed back to my “maiden” name (by the by, can’t really stand that term…just because I’m unmarried, does not make me a maiden…) And I didn’t make a grand announcement to my students about my divorce, but officially at work all the staff address me by my former (and now new again…) name. I was reluctant to go back to it because now I have a different last name than my 4-year old daughter, but much like the other commenter said, my name is me… thanks for sharing.

  8. I have to say I respect your honesty and introspection, I had a friend who is facing divorce distance herself from me when I did not give a glowing report of how divorce has made me happier. For me, I have the chance of genuine happiness now that the house of cards fell and I will be happy in spite of my divorce just like I was happy in spite of my dysfunctional marriage of years ago. Perfectly said. Your post reminded me of how grateful I am for the Ms. pre-fix. For me, it will stay Ms. and not change again.

  9. I read you and you lift my spirit, I continue to look for that wind that will lift the rest of me.

  10. My husband tried to force me to change my surname to his. I didn’t want to, so I didn’t! He wasn’t pleased. I left him and he found someone else. He and I are still legally married, but his “fiancee” uses his surname instead of her own. Good for them! He’s finally found someone who’s willing to do as he says/wants. And here I am, still content with my maiden name :).

  11. The first thing that I wanted to do was go back to my maiden name. I’m also a teacher and every time one of my students called me by my married name, I’d cringe, because it linked me to him. I made it through the rest of the school year and had my name at school changed for the next year. I had a little explaining to do, but everyone was understanding of the situation. My maiden name is me, that’s how I feel most comfortable.

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