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Lessons From the End of a Marriage

A “How to Thrive” Guide After Divorce

Search and Rescue

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I love to look at the words and phrases entered into search engines that lead people to my blog. Some make me laugh. Others make me  want to reach out across the internet and give the typer a hug. And still others make me want to shake the questioner, hoping to inspire some common sense.

I often wish that there was a way for me to respond personally to these queries. But, as of now, there is not. So this is my response to some of the terms that have found me over the last few months. All of the queries listed are common with only slight variation in wording. Each comes across my screen at least once a week. Some, many more.

These are the ones that make me laugh, made me cry and made me shake my head in disbelief.

“Can I have PTSD after divorce?”

I am not a psychiatrist, but my answer is yes. I personally experienced many of the symptoms and have been in contact with several people formally diagnosed. Get help. It’s available.

“How do I get away with bigamy?” or “I committed bigamy what do I do?” or “What are the chances of being caught with bigamy?”

Why, why, why? This must be my biggest head-scratcher. I happened to learn how easy it is to commit bigamy, but it is really THAT common? I see a minimum of ten searches a week on this. And that’s not including the hidden search terms. It may be easy to do, but it is illegal, a felony in most states. It’s not worth it. Get a divorce or have a fling. But, please, limit the spousal number to one.

“Who is Lisa Arends husband?”

I assume they are talking about the ex, not the present husband. I wonder if they’re looking for a date? If so, I would strongly suggest against it (see bigamy above). Otherwise, it really doesn’t matter since his name would mean nothing to you. If you assume the search is coming from within the U.S. (population 313 million) and each person knows roughly 200 people, there is a .000064% chance you know him. Just make up a name for him. Bigamy Bob, perhaps?

“Is Jonny Lang still married?”

I don’t know. But he plays a damn good guitar.

“What to do with chipped plates?”

Eat off them.  Duh.

“How did I wind up so alone after divorce?”

Because it’s easy. It takes concerted and regular effort to be social, especially when you’re sad and facing change. Try It rocks.

“My marriage is over and my dad died.”

There are no words. I wish there were. And I wish there were internet hugs.

“My cat is smarter than me.”

Join the club. I think they be the world’s next super power.

“Husband left for bar.”

I don’t think you’ll find him on the internet. If you’re lucky, maybe he’ll pick up the same woman my husband did.

“What is the perfect revenge for someone who has betrayed your trust?”

Live well and be happy.

“Scared of falling in love again after divorce.”

Me too. But it’s worth it.


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5 thoughts on “Search and Rescue

  1. Loved that you took the high road with “revenge.” On my 40th birthday, my ex-wife told me she was leaving. The next day she moved out while I was at work. It was just me and our two children. After the phases of disbelief, grief and anger, I realized the best thing I could do to heal myself and my children was to live well and be happy. I also knew it was the only way I was ever going to find someone again. I had seen friends become bitter, putting up walls to protect themselves. In the process, the only people you find are people with their own walls. No healthy relationship can start with walls. To live happy you have to take some risk and reveal yourself. I’ve been incredibly happily remarried for five years now. I don’t know if I’d call it revenge, but it sure is happiness.

  2. One that I get every week “Is davidji married?” I don’t know, but he gives great guided meditation! I hope wherever my search terms land, the person reading them is as thoughtful as you.

  3. I learn from you every time I read you. I am not there yet, but I will get there. Tip toeing without stubbing a toe over bitter and angry is hard, but I will just stub toes and be okay with it.

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