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Reframing Fair

15 Responses

  1. Really good essay on taking ownership of our feelings. Yeah, it was tougher to look at myself than at was was done to me, but life is so much better since I did so. Thanks.

  2. Natalie says:

    An excellent piece that speaks to the core. I am also in process of trying to secure fairness. I have always viewed myself as a fair, honest and just person. So….I had expected the same. I, too, am emptying my savings to have the items outlined in the divorce agreement given to me, to my son. The father of my child lives in Brazil–that sould say enough about trying to have the problem resolved. I am paying American and Brazilian lawyers to end this fairly.

    You are so right– I have been slowly redefining my perspective of fairness and counting the “wins”– I have my son, he let me leave the country with my son and I have my life, my freedom and my future.

    I have been writing– something that I found through this process– my story is almost finished–I thought I had to wait for the “fairness” to be gained to finish my book. But I realized, I am the one to finish the story. I am editing and hope to release it shortly.

  3. bandaide says:

    So many people lose in the end while they are waiting to “win.” Thank you for expressing what so many of us feel, with or without divorce.

  4. shdwmage says:

    Divorce isn’t fair. Its the breaking of a covenant so many people make so easily. More often than not people do not think about the shortfalls of their spouse. They are often looking for someone to complete them as the movie narrative goes.

    One of the biggest problems with the divorce is our laxidasical approach towards marriage. We look for what we can get out of the marriage, and we go into it with selfish intentions.

    I know the pain of divorce all to well. When my ex-wife kidnapped my children and took across the country, all I could do was file for divorce. I didn’t file for the divorce for some misguided sense of justice, I wanted to bring my children home and out of a potentially dangerous situation.

    Truth be told neither of us was happy in our marriage. We married to try and fix the problems in our relationship. We wanted to be what we were supposed to be for our two children. However, we both had unrealistic expectations of how the other person should act and what they should do.

    Marriage isn’t about becoming complete with the other person, its about two fallen broken people with a ton of lifes baggage coming together and saying “I will walk through the rest of my life with you, no matter the storm.” It’s about having a partnership that at the end of the day no matter what is wrong you have each others back. It’s not an easy process, and it is very rarely emulated in marriages today.

  5. frogstale says:

    Well written piece and so true.

    Depending on the type or mental health of the person you are dealing with, the legal process can be ongoing and devastating and fairness never comes into it.

    Those of us dealing with a high conflict personalities (or personality disordered exes) through the divorce and family courts will never ever see fair. And we will never ever have the truth known because they person we are pitted against more often than not conducts a ‘smear campaign’ against us.

    I have had to learn to let all that go and focus on what is the right thing for my children, not winning, not getting justice (because I never will) and not caring what people think of me who don’t know the full story.

    It is a hard lesson to learn and I haven’t reached the point of peace yet, but at least I know I am on that journey and that is my end destination.

    • hush says:

      I agree with both this comment and the post totally. Especially the part about just doing what’s best for the kids and the necessity of lawyering up to deal with the problem of a personality-disordered, smear-campaigning spouse. “Divorce is not fair… but justice can come from within.” So very well said. Fantastic blog, Lisa, and I’m in awe of your inspiring journey.

  6. MerakiGirl says:

    Nothing about divorce fair. I did not let the courts decide my fate. I am a far happier and well adjusted person as a result. It was not an easy road (there are no easy divorces!) but I’m standing on the other side of the valley, proud of who I have become.
    Thank you for your blog!

  7. Debbie says:

    I insisted on taking my ex h to Court
    He’d left me and had an emotional affair
    I was half mad with anger and grief.
    He wanted no lawyer and mediation but offered one of his friends
    I objected. And so he offered a professional Mediator.
    I still refused
    So we went to court. He put a no contact order on me.
    My lawyer got me the house..Some of his pension and some maintenance
    I am 3 years on now
    There isn’t a day I don’t burn with guilt and shame for what I did.
    I regret it bitterly
    I will do for the rest of my life
    I hate myself
    I have thought of killing myself many times as I can’t forgive myself
    Yes
    He left
    But he didn’t deserve this
    I have lost friends..his family…my good opinion of myself and worst of all..hurt the person I loved and still love..so much.
    The lawyers got 30k from each of us.
    I think I should have paid in pieces of silver.
    I hate what I did.

    • I think one of the reasons we can fight so hard without regard for the consequences during divorce is that it gives us purpose. Direction. Distraction. It’s a goal that feels doable and the fear of starting over tells us that it’s a needed battle.

      I am so sorry to hear of the fallout from your divorce. Is there something that you can do at this point that would help to alleviate some of the guilt?

  1. November 10, 2014

    […] I was hoping to find justice in the courts. Instead, I found more frustration. Divorce courts don’t punish individual misdeeds; they punish the entire class. […]

  2. November 30, 2014

    […] When we are in pain, we often want to last out. When others harm us, we want them to experience the same suffering. We hold unto our anger like a shield, the sheer power of it enough to protect our delicate selves beneath. We want out perceived persecutor to face consequences. After all, it’s only fair. […]

  3. September 30, 2019

    […] putting your ex in a position similar to the one you’ve faced. Regardless of the specifics, a desire for justice is really a need for fairness. We’ve been knocked down and we want the fulcrum to shift the other […]

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