Sides Effects of Betrayal

When you have been betrayed, your world view forever shifts. Motives are questions. Secrets are assumed. Nothing is as it seems.

You want to trust but you don’t know how. You feel victimized and either accept that role in defeat or desperately search for control and assurance that you will never be a victim again.

It’s oh-so-easy to keep moving beyond the betrayal without fully addressing its impact. To attribute future struggles to something (or someone) else when it is really your soul still keening from the lies and the loss.

When I first saw this article on Psychology Today, When Disappointment Feels Like Betrayal, I was skeptical.

And then I read it.

And I related.

When you have been betrayed, the pump has been primed to assume betrayal.

Even when it is just life with its usual ups and downs.

Be on alert for the monster but don’t go stabbing at every creak on the stairs.

 

Thank you for sharing!

12 thoughts on “Sides Effects of Betrayal

  1. Anja – “Creativity is more than just being different. Anybody can plan weird; that’s easy. What’s hard is to be as simple as Bach. Making the simple, awesomely simple, that’s creativity” – Charles Mingus
    Anja says:

    I can really relate. I do worry come next relationship I will be always try to “catch” him doing something. After 20 years and ending with huge betrayal…it takes a lot of healing.

  2. elizabeth2560 – ABOUT ALMOST SPRING Two and a half years ago my 37 year marriage ended suddenly through no choice of my own. I survived the heartache. I have taken control of my present. I am planning my own destiny, which is moving onwards to a life of purpose and meaning. This is my journey.
    elizabeth2560 says:

    The article you linked to is one of the best i have read for a while. I can see now that my ex-husband was expecting his “preferences” to always be fulfilled and ran away when they were not, seeing differences in preferences as incompatibility. To read this has been enlightening for me (you know that search for “WHY” that keeps hounding those of us who have been betrayed). It has brought me some closure. Thank you.

      1. The best bit of advice I’ve had about being betrayed is (cliched as it sounds): The best revenge is success.

        So, not letting the buggers getting you down, is in itself a success, and I don’t like to admit it, but probably the best of advice in the face of any betrayer (of trust, friendship, or anything else).

  3. lynette – Working my way through the transitions that come with midlife, learning to march to my own true rhythm, and searching for peace, love, connection, and happiness.
    lynette says:

    I remember someone I know telling me that he would never be able to date someone who drank at all because his ex was an alcoholic and he would never be able to trust someone who drank. I had replied if you go looking for red flags, you will find them.

    I find myself doing the same, although the flags I am wary of are far more subtle.

    It takes a huge amount of work to start to trust our own judgment again once betrayed. I think it is less a question of trusting someone else — if we trust ourselves, we can trust others, or be wise about when we should not.

    Thank you for sharing the article — it was a good one.

  4. Looking4ward2tomorrow – I'm a single mother, to an almost 14 year old girl. She is honestly the light of my life and my reason for being who I am today. Since I decided to leave my husband, my goal in life is to enjoy every moment I can with my daughter, my family and my friends. I've been divorced for several years and every day since I have been looking forward to tomorrow. I take each day as it comes and when the going gets tough, I always say tomorrow is a new day! I'm not sure how to blog...definitely not a professional writer. I promise that I will share the good, bad and the ugly. I will make you laugh (I make myself laugh so I must be funny). My life is not always perfect, I hope that by hearing what I have to say, what I've been through it somehow helps you. Whether it is just to say...”hey this has happened to me, I'm not the only one”, or if you are looking for something to compare to your life so you can say “wow my life isn't that bad”, or “wow this woman has come so far, I can do this too”, I hope you find it here! I believe everything happens for a reason, no matter how cheesy that may sound. Every mistake is a lesson learned. If you believe in yourself, everything else will fall into place.
    Looking4ward2tomorrow says:

    Great article!

  5. I still have a lot of work to do on betrayal. After being betrayed by my husband, I got into another relationship quickly for a year and a half. He died over the summer in a tragic accident and I found out that he lied to me about his entire life. I think that learning to trust my own judgement is the hardest part of getting trust back.

    1. It is so true that trust really boils down to trusting ourselves – trusting our ability to have perceptions match reality and trusting our ability to make it through when things don’t work out.

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