Memories Do Not Have to Equal Suffering

15 Responses

  1. This is outstanding. It took me 15 or 20 years to get over the emotional hurdle attached to my divorce. Your suggestions above would have been handy. Now I wonder what took me so long because I’m over it all. 🙂

  2. muddy runner says:

    I’m just now beginning to turn this corner. Harder for me was training my brain to stop wanting to share new restaurants or cool discoveries with her. Great post.

    • I can’t even tell you the number I times I started to send him a text or call him to tell him about something I saw that he would like or find funny. It was a reflex and it lasted quite a while…

  3. velvet692013 says:

    I am a year and a half out. For some reason the last few days have been difficult. Sad again when I thought I was through it. It is easier said than done to put it all in perspective when I spent half my life with someone I thought I knew. I have been reliving the gory details in my mind. I get so angry at myself for not just getting over it. I read your words and thank you for them. I will just keep going through it. I don’t want to be angry wither but I am. Rats…

    • Healing does not speak calendar and it is not linear. Those sad days and angry sparks are normal and not a sign that you’re backsliding. It’s a huge adjustment; it doesn’t occur overnight.

  4. Anonymous says:

    I really needed this information today. My husband left recently and I am soaking in every bit of your advice, suggestions, encouragement… I keep finding myself sulking back into the “what if’s” and “why me?” …it is all so unreal and fresh. Everything you speak of is so true. Last week I was seriously wishing I could have electric shock treatment to erase the past 22 years.

    • I felt that desire to erase my memories too! I thought back to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with envy.

      I promise it does get better. The “whys and whats” no longer seem so important once you embrace the “what now” and start building your new life. The memories are no longer like looking into the sun as they soften and fade with time.

      Hang in there;)

  5. Rich says:

    This de-tangling of memories and sadness becomes even more difficult if you, like many divorced fathers, see your children much less often or become estranged. While it is much better after 4+ years (in the early days just seeing a family come into a restaurant together would send me into a deep sadness), it is something I am still struggling with.

    When traveling to a family event a few months ago, the woman I am currently dating could tell a sadness enveloped me – even though I could not figure out how she knew since a I tried to put on a happy shell. Attending family functions as a family was something I always treasured, now they make me sad, as do recalling what were happy family times together. They all seem tainted now.

    • stilllearning2b says:

      That does seem like such a painful place to be. I can’t imagine how hard it is to go from daily contact with your kids to sporadic when it’s not your decision. I hope that you’re able to build relationships with them when they’re older and have more choice. You will always be their dad.

  1. February 15, 2014

    […] And then there were the chutes. The triggers. The memories. […]

  2. June 25, 2014

    […] I know you think about the past. […]

  3. October 27, 2014

    […] The sadness trap that keeps you locked in a mental theater replaying the movies of your relationship. […]

  4. November 10, 2014

    […] For a time, I thought I would have to excise all memories of my marriage from my mind like some cancerous growth. It turns out that memories can remain while the pain fades. […]

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: