Here I Go Again

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I guess sometimes the third try is the charm (just, please not for marriages…two is plenty!). After putting in three offers on three different houses, we are finally under contract and set to close just before Labor Day. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m so ready to be settled. But I’m also scared of settling in.

This will be my fifth move in four years. I’ve been pretty nomadic since the divorce. I knew that each move had a expiration date, so I have not taken the time or energy to fully nest in a place. It’s freeing in a way, but I’ve also missed that sense of home. That feeling of being in a place that I’ve personalized to my needs and tastes.

I’ve also been living in other people’s spaces. My first home was a spare bedroom in my friend’s house. Since I left everything behind, I used everything from her furniture to her linens. I had no personal stamp at all. My next home was an apartment by myself for a year. I furnished the entire place for $2000 and the help from IKEA (perfect for college students and the recently divorced alike!). Even though it was my space, I still held back since I knew that is was also a temporary resting spot. My next perch was in Brock’s townhome. This time, I brought furniture and other belongings with me, but I was still moving into someone else’s space. The current rental has been an improvement, as we both entered at the same time, but I still have resisted injecting my taste into the temporary home. Even on the house hunting, I have been somewhat distant from the houses, refusing to get emotionally attached (hmmm…kinda like I was when I first started dating).

This is different now.

This is a Home. This is a place where we intend to spend the next 15-20 years. This is a place where I can personalize. This is a place where I can grow roots. This is a place where I can move in without having to set aside the boxes for the inevitable move out. This is a place where the paint that goes on the walls won’t be from the leftovers in the garage. This is a place where things can be fixed instead of endured. This is a place where I can garden again. This is a place where I can grow.

I don’t know why, but the purchase of a house symbolizes more about commitment and moving on than the marriage does. I don’t know why, bu the purchase of a house makes me more nervous than the upcoming nuptials. It’s liked I’m scared to root again because of the fear of the pain of being uprooted.

Stupid fear. Ultimately, it’s just a house. Four walls and a screened in porch. I should not let it symbolize more than it is. After all, I can love and be happy with or without a Home. It’s time to let go of the fear of losing again. It’s time to relax and settle in. Hopefully soon on my new porch:)

Thank you for sharing!

17 thoughts on “Here I Go Again

  1. I’m excited for you. Hope you LOVE your home and that it really is a perfect nest. Good luck on your wedding, too! Maybe there’s hope for me…

  2. I love how you describe this. Mostly because it sounds like your heart is opening up to possibilities. Beautiful to see after everything you’ve been through!

  3. Congrats! I’m still in my friend’s basement and will be moving to more permanent quarters hopefully very soon. Your post hit home about not quite “feeling at home” because your stays were always short lived. I feel the same way.

      1. I am a lucky man to have the wonderful support of my friends and family… (I have 12 siblings…) 🙂 I will get my very own place one day. Probably about 4 years down the road, but anything beats where I was.

          1. Each one of them offered me their home when I told them about the divorce. I couldn’t ask for a better family network.

  4. elizabeth2560 – ABOUT ALMOST SPRING Two and a half years ago my 37 year marriage ended suddenly through no choice of my own. I survived the heartache. I have taken control of my present. I am planning my own destiny, which is moving onwards to a life of purpose and meaning. This is my journey.
    elizabeth2560 says:

    A sense of stability and security is one of our basic needs and a home can go a long way of providing that to us. Enjoy!

  5. Jennifer – Albuquerque, New Mexico – First off, I am not very funny. Secondly, I am a full-blown geek; I like chess (it is my favorite game), I enjoyed writing research papers in college, I enjoyed statistics and any other kind of math. But, in my old age (47), I have learned to own my geekdom, it is uniquely mine. Third, I have manic-depressive illness which can make life a bit rocky sometimes, like when the medications are not strong enough to treat the illness, then it bites me in the ass…..hard. Most of the time, though, I ride the sine wave that are normal moods. It is an interesting disease to have though. You do a lot of self reflecting and exploration which can be rough, but you can see where you have made mistakes and you can take action to prevent that behavior in the future. Fourth, I have learned how not to settle for anything; bad medical care, toxic and angry people, bad food, bad relationships. I just will not settle anymore. I have already been there and done that. Fifth, I have learned over the years it is not cool to puke through your nose because you drank too much at a party or a bar. Sixth, I love to read everything from fiction to non-fiction to school textbooks. I do not remember learning to read. My mom says when I was about 3 or 4 years old, I picked up National Geographic and began to read it. Who knew? Seventh, and possibly last, I love music of all types except Rap. My favorite music to relax to is classical preferably of the Baroque period like Amadeus Mozart and Beethoven. I love going to the movies by myself. If you go on a Monday afternoon matinée, there is usually no one there so it is like having your own private theater. I am also a Nichiren Buddhist by way of spiritual belief. I am basically just a normal person who happens to be not funny :) .
    songtothesirens says:

    Congratulations on your new home! It is symbolic as you noted. It is a place where you can start anew and build your own vision of a comfortable place to just be. I understand the nervousness, though. I am set to move into a new apartment in August. I am a little freaked out about it, but I know that it will become my place to just be, and not worry about what my hair looks like in the morning, or if I have to cook dinner or just have a sandwich. Moves are times to start fresh. At least, that’s what I tell myself 🙂

  6. Congratulations!!! I am so happy for you. That feeling of a new beginning is so thrilling. I thought I was in a temporary move but it will probably be semi-permanent at my grandmothers house. I feel comfort here. It sure beats the other house where he left, there was too many ghosts. Here I can still smell my grandmother’s Dove soap. 🙂

  7. Admin – We are a family going through a complete lifestyle overhaul. Ditching debt, ditching ‘stuff’, and ditching the house. We are headed towards a simpler way of living that will hopefully see us eventually going full time on the road, travelling this amazing country of ours. In the meantime this blog is all about how we are going about it financially, logistically and most likely emotionally as well. You’ll get the good, the bad and the ugly, rather than a fluffy perfect fairytale that screams “Look at my perfect life!”. An honest account I guess you could say :)
    Starting Over says:

    I can really understand this. I found buying my first home after my marriage ended very soothing in a way. It’s my safe place, my comfort space and I feel so relaxed…. finally. I guess it’s safe to say I’ve fallen head over heels with my little home 🙂 Good luck with the move, I hope it all goes well. Thank also for following my blog. Your are an inspiration to others like me.

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