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Lessons From the End of a Marriage

A “How to Thrive” Guide After Divorce

A Letter to My Ex

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Dear —–,

Fourteen years ago, I was preparing to marry you. I was so excited but, even more, I was so sure. Sure that we were so good together. Sure that we would continue to weather any storm. Sure that we would be together forever.

My belief in our marriage lasted until the day you left. I remember my shock, my disbelief so clearly. I couldn’t understand how you, my beloved husband, could do those things. Even now, four years later, I still don’t understand the choices you made. I suppose I never will.

In an instant, you went from the man I adored to a stranger I feared. In many ways, you have been dead to me since you left. I remember you as you were since I can’t comprehend what you’ve become. It’s almost as though you are two completely separate men to me — the one I was married to and the one who betrayed me. I just can’t understand how you could be both my protector and my persecutor.

Read the rest on The Huffington Post.

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22 thoughts on “A Letter to My Ex

  1. Your thoughts are my thoughts today… except mine are a little bit newer and more raw. Every day I hope that karma does indeed exist.

  2. I love this line and it just resonates with me. “I just can’t understand how you could be both my protector and my persecutor.”

    1. My mom said that one in those very early says after he left. We were just in shock trying to come to terms with what we were finding out. Obviously, the line stuck with me:)

  3. I know the feeling. That is basically how I’ve been able to move on, I see my ex as two different people. The man I married does not exist anymore, I’ve mourned him just as if he would have died. And I deal with the new version as if he was a difficult co-worker that I have to get along with for raising our daughters.

  4. Such powerful words, and an amazing story of surviving and thriving. You are in inspiration.

      1. You’re welcome.
        Yes, we do. I’m leaving for St Louis for a month this weekend. It’ll probably be the beginning/middle of August between kids, work, travel schedule.

  5. I also separate my ex-husband into the man I married and the man he became. He’s the same shell with a different soul to say and I have to remind myself of that every time I see him. I loved and cherished my husband but in a way he has died and there is no goin back.

  6. I found this post so helpful to me in my current situation. Your words actually help me to envision and imagine what my life may be one day. It’s not often that I am able to see past the devastation that surrounds me but reading about your healing gives me a twinkle of hope of what could be. Thank you!

    1. Thank you! I try to write honestly about the whole span of emotion – from that shock and sadness to the anger to the hope and, eventually, to the trust and love again. Please know that what you feel right now is not what you will always feel. Hugs:)

  7. Same way I feel about my marriage/ husband. Very touching post, I appreciate how you’re always so open when sharing your experience/thoughts.

    1. Thank you:) Sometimes I wonder if I share too much but I think that much of this is common just not talked about. Somehow we are supposed to pretend that nothing ever happened and that we were not impacted.

      1. I concur, I too share a lot of my personal experiences,in a raw, open-honest and uncensored way, and wonder the same, if I do share too much, If I should be less open. However, this is what makes one a great-interesting and relatable blogger in my humble opinion; why do something half way? also you never know whose lives we may touch in the process of sharing our experiences in the manner that we do. Great work (:

    1. Thanks! I can’t tell you how good it feels to have a positive response from a guy on this. I’m amazed (and saddened) by the almost aggressive take many men seem to have to this. It seems like they are coming from a place where they have been hurt by their wives and are taking it out on women in general. I’m curious – what’s your take on that and how have you avoided that perspective. I’m trying to understand:)

      1. I think that “anger at everyone like them” attitude is often a natural response from all of us. I’ve know women who have become man-haters for a while (no man will ever get close enough to hurt them again and defensive anger rules the interaction) and men who have become Women-haters (no woman will ever get close enough to hurt them again and defensive anger rules the interaction) for a while. You are naturally receiving the negative commentary from the opposite side. It is easy to generalize when one has been hurt and I have to catch myself sometimes too. It is an avoidance of pain thing that can be overcome by consciousness and logic…but gut reactions are hard to check when the apprehension level is high. On my avoidance of that perspective (when I am conscious enough to avoid it)…I try to let “intent” rule my judgement of things. I try to assume that most people have no ill will toward me…and in fact they often have to prove that they do. Usually, in my experience, the little voice in our heads that listens with the intent of responding, is also making judgments based on our own experience. Often those judgments are based on false assumptions because of our filters and history. I just try to be conscious enough to let them pass by before I react. Sometimes it works even!!
        Peace to you

        1. Well said:). That was pretty much what I thought but I really wanted a man’s perspective on it. I like how you bring it back to intent. That’s exactly how I refrained from going to place of bitterness and generalized anger. Thank you!

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