There has been quite a bit of discourse over the last few years about the relative happiness and health of people with different relationship statuses. Much of the popular literature has given the impression that married people are happier; therefore, become married to improve your well-being. The problem with this position is that they are confusing correlation with causation. Doesn’t it make more sense that happy people are more likely to get and stay married than a ring possessing magical powers?
Does Marriage Make Us Happy? Should It? | Psychology Today.
Whenever we rely on external sources for our fulfillment, well-being, and happiness, we will ultimately be disappointed. We have to find those things within ourselves before we can find a partner that can see them too and before we can see them in another. In order to be the best partner possible, we first must address ourselves:
How can you trust others, if you do not have trust in yourself?
How can you care for others, if you cannot care for yourself?
How can you have faith in others, if you do not have faith in yourself?
How can you be loyal to another, if you cannot be loyal to yourself?
How can you be responsible for another, if you cannot be responsible for yourself?
How can you be with another, if you cannot be with yourself?
How can you love another, if you cannot love yourself?
So, throw away the dictionary, and look to yourself before you look to marriage to make you happy and well.
Great post. I am only 25 years old but I don’t care for marriage personally. I’m pretty much a loner with every one of his emotions in check. I never feel lonely nor do I get urges to jump in relationships. It’s not that I despise the idea of marriage. It’s more about being okay with being alone. I’m too strong to let myself feel the need to be connected to someone forever. To top things off, I’m pretty selfish lol. I will forever be the most important person in my own life, unless I have a kid. Thanks for sharing !
I love your post. It has been a recurring theme in my life for the past few months. Even last night I spent way too much energy trying to get my estranged spouse to see it.
I feel like, especially as parents, we are compelled to put others first to gain some sense of fulfillment. That if somehow I have “met” the needs of all the people around me that suddenly I will be fulfilled.
I recently spoke with a new mom and she was firmly planted in the idea that it was her role to eat last. Shower last. Sleep last. Whatever the circumstance it was her hmm. Obligation ? To put the needs of her family first.
As a mom of two teenage boys. I’m here to tell ya .. You can’t pour water from an empty pitcher. You can’t expect to be able to nourish the lives of others if your starving.
My other favorite idea I learned recently… Don’t take responsibility for the things others are responsible for.
I have appreciated your insight and openness through your blog. It has helped me take on the process of divorce. Thank you !!
Confusing cause with correlation happens so often. It can even lead to reversing cause and effect as you point out.
Yes, exactly. I am responsible for my happiness, and I cannot hold someone else accountable for what I won’t do for myself!
LOVE this list. I’ve been working on going forward, developing myself, for the past few years. The revelations of who I am have helped me see truths. Even ones I didn’t want to see. But you can’t go forward blindly, and you can’t deal with the bad stuff until you know that it’s there. Very good list!
That said, my 6 year-old daughter isn’t sure she trusts the One Ring replica on my desk. Magical rings could be real…. 😉
Although I got divorced years ago and carried out a long term relationship after that- everything was volatile because I never learned to love myself first. This is so important for people, especially young people, to understand. You cannot look for the affirmations of another to determine your happiness. Thank you for reaffirming this
Reblogged this on Sixty and Single Again.
Great post! SO true. You should check out a great book titled, “Ring EXchange – Adventures of a Multiple Marrier” by Pam Evans. Having been married multiple times, the author has a lot of great advice to dish out to others who have never been married or married only once or are curious about multiple marriers.
http://www.ring-exchange.com/