Divorce is a major reboot of your life. Control-Alt-Del of all that is familiar. The process can vary, some may have time to save and safely exit their open files. For others, applications are subdued with repeated clicks of the “force quit” button. Divorce causes damage to the system, errors and gaps. For most of us, we have to start our lives over again in safe mode.
According to Microsoft,
Safe mode is a troubleshooting option for Windows that starts your computer in a limited state. Only the basic files and drivers necessary to run Windows are started. The words “Safe Mode” appear in the corners of the display to identify which Windows mode you are using. If an existing problem does not reappear when you start in safe mode, you can eliminate the default settings and basic device drivers as possible causes.
After a divorce, safe mode means that your life is powered up again in a limited state. Only the necessary applications for living are in place; it is survival mode. There is nothing wrong with this state; in fact, it is often required to be able to function at all. However, just as a computer in safe mode is not truly operational, a life in safe mode is not truly living. Safe mode is a time, a space, a tool that should be used to diagnose and treat any maladaptive hardware or software issues so that a full reboot can occur.
Look at your own life. Are you in safe mode? Does this state still serve you, or is time to complete the repairs and perform a full reboot of your life?
I like your analogy. It’s thought provoking!
Good! I like to make people think:)
Reblogged this on Is this really my marriage? and commented:
I think many BS start their lives up in Safe Mode after Dday. I know I did. In fact after reading this I know that it is a state that I continue to live my life in. It’s hard to figure out how to operate your life in a different mode from the one that you had grown comfortable with over 22 years of marriage. I haven’t let my guard down yet and I know it. I don’t even remember how to do that anymore…function without constantly waiting for the next bomb to drop. I don’t yet trust JR fully. I don’t yet trust that he will protect my heart from pain. I don’t yet trust that he will think of me before thinking of himself. I don’t yet trust that he will never again act in such a selfish way. I don’t yet trust that he will never hurt me again to the point of me wanting to end my own life. I simply don’t yet trust anything therefore I live my life in Safe Mode. It’s all I know anymore. JR does all he can, I see this daily in our life together, but will it ever be enough for me to make the switch to being fully operational in my life. When and how so you know that your heart is ready to jump in with both feet and abandon caution? I sometimes envy those who decided to end the marriage and have found another to build a life with. I realize that they too probably have a hard time with trusting someone with their heart again, but I also know that sometimes it seems impossible for the rest of us who stayed with our cheating spouse. How do you hand back your heart to the very person who stomped it into the ground, smashing it into little pieces, leaving it unrecognizable? The very ones who sent you into life in Safe Mode. It would be nice if somewhere there were the exact answers, an instruction manual. Something that said if you do A, B, and C, you can put your happy self back together again and feel whole. Unfortunately there is not and the instruction manual for how to pull our lives out of Safe Mode must be written by each and every one of us individually in our own time. I cling to hope that one day soon my heart and mind will agree that it’s time to return to a normal operating system.
What a great post! I was pretty much able to save and safely exit my open files and your post gave me a new appreciation for that. Still, the reboot experience is a day by day process and I know I’ll be glad when it’s behind me.
Glad you could save your files! Now just to defragment the hard drive:)
Yes, good one! The need to defrag might explain why my processor is so slow and inefficient.
Kayboo24, I wish there were answers for you. I probably would be in your shoes but my husband dumped me, never gave me a chance. He just walked out after 26 years. He is now married to the whore. I would of been like you and gave him another chance. I was one who always said that I would make that Bobbitt woman a saint because if my husband cheated he wouldn’t find his. BUT when it happened to me, well, I loved him as much as the first time I saw him, I am living in the safe mode because each day it takes all my strength to get out of bed. I believe you should definitely go to therapy, my therapist says that once a cheater always a cheater. She says that he will apologize and try to make you feel warm and fuzzy and when he thinks he accomplished
that he will start cheating again. If I find the magical answer I will pass it on. Take care and God Bless!
Magnusmom
Such a Fabulous Piece! Thank you!
🙂