Taming the Monkey Mind: Plugging in the Monkey

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So, I know the whole idea of meditation is to unplug. To turn off the phone and put away the computer. I get it. I’m just not very good at it. Instead of fighting technology, I’ve learned to use it to help tame my monkey mind, especially on those days when it is acting particularly unruly. The following are my favorite ways to plug in and unwind:

Yogaglo (website)

I love this site. It has thousands of hours (I’m guessing – I haven’t counted:) ) of high quality yoga instruction that can be selected by difficulty, time and emphasis. They are also growing a database of meditation videos. I find that I gravitate towards these when I’m looking for something longer and more interesting than my standard fare. The meditations are all guided and are quite interesting and varied. (free 2 week trial and $18/month for unlimited use for meditation and yoga)

Meditation (app)

This is my go-to. There are many different soundtracks to choose from – everything from chants to nature sounds. There is also a mixer so you can customize your own personal blend. I love the quick timer that I can easily set for a variety of times, even if I don’t play any music (this especially happens when I can listen to real rain outside the window!). There are no guided meditations. It’s just simple, easy to use and high quality. ($.99)

Calm.com (website and app)

I read about this website and app in Lifehacker (which I also love but it doesn’t technically tame my monkey mind!) the other day. This is meditation for dummies. It comes in preslugged durations, starting at 5 minutes. Each one is guided and follows a similar script. As with the app above, you can select your background sounds, although they are not as varied. I have found that this app is excellent for the days when I am struggling to get my monkey mind to sit still long enough to slip on the headphones. (free or $4.99 for the full version)

iMoodJournal (app)

This nifty little app sounds a gong at predetermined times to remind you to quickly graph your mood and tag it with key words. It is designed to help you identify your triggers both for positive and negative moods. I also use the chime as a reminder to be mindful and present. I have it set to go off at two of the craziest times of my day – in the middle of homeroom where 30 kids and a handful of adults are competing  for my attention and at 5:00 pm when I get home. ($1.99)

My monkey mind is tired and is ready to shut down the computer and plug in the headphones. I just hope I can teach him to stop chewing on the cord:)

 

The Blame Game

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Why is it that some people (those who have never been divorced, or even married, I would suspect) are so quick to lay blame on the end of a marriage.  I mainly hear this when there is abandonment or infidelity involved; the expressed assumption is that the spouse on the receiving end must have somehow invited that behavior.  It is not unlike the victim-shaming often applied to sexual assault victims or the way an abuser lays the blame at the feet of his/her abused.  This mindset can be so damaging for those who are trying to come to terms with what has happened to them.  Those who are trying to ascertain if they are damaged or not worthy.  Those whose world has been torn asunder and who are looking to right themselves again.  We need to reach out in kindness, not lash out in blame.

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women'...
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In my own marriage, I accept responsibility that my intense nature and my mind prone to worrying helped to create an environment that was supportive of his dishonesty.  Regardless, that did not make it okay for him to lie for years, embezzle money from the marriage, leave with a text message and no discourse, or commit bigamy.  The blamers say he did those things because of me.  In the early months, I felt he did those things to me.  Now, I believe that he did those things despite of me.  He was sick, he was unhappy, he was fighting addictions, and I just happened to be collateral damage.

If you find yourself quick to lay blame, please pause for a moment and think about the appropriateness of the label.  Think about the consequences of the assumption.  Try to examine the situation from multiple viewpoints.

If you find yourself being blamed, especially after your partner has committed adultery or left without notice, please understand that the blamer is lashing out due to their own insecurities and narrow views.  You are not responsible for another’s actions.

Ultimately, blame is a distraction from the core issues in trauma and healing.  It is a winless game; it’s best just not to play.

I wrote more about blame on The Huffington Post.

Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Change

Dogs Tell the Truth. People Tell a Story.

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Dogs tell the truth. People tell a story.” Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer

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It’s no secret that I’m a fan of Cesar. His show, The Dog Whisperer, was some of the best therapy I received to help me with my anxiety and trust issues following the divorce. I used many of his ideas in my own life, thus earning him the moniker, The Life Whisperer.

Even though I was a fan, I didn’t know much about Cesar’s personal life apart from the show. I knew he was divorced, but I knew nothing of the circumstances or the effects.

Until yesterday.

Men’s Journal ran an excellent piece entitled, Rescuing Cesar, where he talks openly about a very difficult time in his life.

And, boy, do I relate.

Cesar sounds a lot like me – a hard worker who can be consumed with singular focus. While he was away for the show, his wife declared she wanted a divorce. He discovered that his financial standing wasn’t what he expected. His kids, and even his dogs, pulled away from him. He lost his pack in one fell swoop. His own tsunami.

About a year after me, Cesar was also crashing at another’s home. He also lost four pants sizes when the stress prevented the intake of food. He was facing betrayal of trust and the shock of loss.

He shares his brush with rock bottom and tells of the healing power of dogs. His description of his dogs surrounding him with affection brought tears to my own eyes. I have felt the caress of a dog more than once in my own low points.

Ultimately, for me, it was a dog that taught me how to trust again. Dogs tell the truth. When I met Tiger, I let him tell me about his owner. Through him, I was able to open my heart again.

The essay in Men’s Journal ends with Cesar describing areas where he still struggles. He says he is a “work in progress.”

Aren’t we all.

 

 

 

Obstacles

Posted on by stilllearning2b

obstacles