Of Teddy Bears and Security Systems

13 Responses

  1. I particularly like the association you make here between the “symbols” of security & comfort we do in our adult life to a child’s hold of a teddy bear! Thanks for the inspiration!

  2. Wonderful post. I like how you looked at your behavior, as well as his, to arrive at the awareness that you presented. Security can be such a significant issue for women, especially.

  3. vidablogg says:

    I don’t even know what to say…speechless. As i read through each line, it felt as if you were speaking to me, I can relate to that feeling of fearing the loss of ones security blankets; I am going through that same realization now, that nothing is secure, it can be lost in an instant.

  4. I was just talking to my husband tonight about how I feel like he took all my safety away when he admitted to infidelity. The house, the money the things that make me comfortable, they are safe. The crazy thing is I still have these things and I don’t feel safe at all, I feel like I’m lost at sea and can’t see a lighthouse.

    I love this post, thank you.

  5. Clare says:

    I love this post, thank you. Great analogy with the teddy bear! So, I’m going through a breakup (wasn’t my decision), and one of the biggest reasons I try to convince myself it’s okay he’s leaving is that I rarely ever felt secure in our 5 month relationship. I didn’t express this to him when we were dating, because I didn’t know if it was really his job at all to provide that secure feeling for me. Instead I worked to convince myself that the things he did do for me were enough to make me happy, told myself I could still feel his love for me through other things he did (sometimes true, other times a stretch), and actively worked on healing myself from past relationship-based fears (i.e. abandonment) that this one triggered in me.
    While I agree that real security comes from within, I still want to be with someone who often compliments me, makes me feel special and communicates daily…and he just is not that personality type, for the most part…or at least with me, he wasn’t. This is not why we are breaking up (again, it’s his decision to leave, not mine), but this is a topic that I am still seeking clarity on, and I would like to not repeat with the next guy. If I’m happier with a man who makes me feel like he’s the luckiest man in the world to be with me, vs. a quieter man who I have to work hard to see the signs that he loves and is attracted to me, is that “wrong”?
    I don’t think it is, but I am confused as to how to even look at this. If I get a man who is more expressive of his adoration of me (what I really prefer), I hope I’d not energetically hand over a big chunk of my feeling of security to him. I guess it’s my choice…something to consciously practice not doing. I hope that I can be 100% secure from within, and still feel secure in the relationship at the same time. Even if it were to end one day…I don’t want to always fear him leaving. I’d rather not frequently doubt his feelings for me, or his dedication to our relationship…and to me, that security would come from his behavior, actions and words.
    Thanks for letting me think this through on this forum 🙂

    • Such stuff to ponder…

      By all means, you should be with someone that respects you and supports you and appreciates you. However, there is a fine line between helping you be the best you and enabling you to be anxious. I only realized after the fact that my ex encouraged my anxiety because he would nurture it – calming me and soothing me if I felt upset. He always expressed his love and affection, which meant I felt secure. However, it was only a feeling. Not reality.

      Ultimately, I think it comes down to this: don’t give someone else the power to dictate how you feel. I know, easier said than done, but I think it’s a good reminder when those little voices in our head start to chatter. Remember, you always have a choice in how you respond.


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