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Lessons From the End of a Marriage

A “How to Thrive” Guide After Divorce

Blame – Continuing the Conversation

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So why do we play the blame game at the end of a marriage, assigning guilt like we’re tallying points in a shuffleboard match? Why does it have to turn into a bride vs. groom match with everyone taking sides?

The blame frequently starts within the dissolving union. One partner often holds the other responsible for the destruction of the marriage. They can be quick to list the faults and transgressions of their ex, pointing fingers at another as a way of avoiding having to look at themselves. This is frequently performed behind a shield of righteousness, painting the blaming spouse into a victim role where they have no responsibility for their own actions and their own happiness.

Not all blame comes from within. Some of the most painful and damaging blame comes from those outside the marriage who feel the need to pass judgment on its demise. Read the rest on The Huffington Post.


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9 thoughts on “Blame – Continuing the Conversation

  1. The way I see it (or saw it) was as a successful marriage right up until the separation, and I was equally responsible for the success of that marriage. Fifty-fifty responsibility.
    The ending of the marriage was his choice. One person’s decision. I am in no way responsible for the ‘ending’ of the marriage.
    The difference in our thinking now, is his perception of what the marriage was before that ending came. Herein lies the issue.
    My loss of the ‘happy-ever-after’ fairytale marriage I thought we had, and the grieving for that loss.
    No-one who has not been there understands that loss and heartache. Losing what you thought you had, having that thrust away from you without choice, and him seemingly not thinking you had it in the first place.
    And those who cast blame will never understand, that you do not believe that the marriage failed, but rather one person chose to abandon its sanctuary.

  2. Beautifully put. My marriage, and situation surrounding its ending, was very similar. My ex believed in fairy tale marriages to such an extent that as soon as the head over heels feeling was gone, that was it. No true understanding that marriage is about teamwork, and that those feelings wax and wane. I wish ex had been capable enough to admit to these feelings when asked (years ago), as we could have parted ways amicably, before the betrayals occurred.

    As for the blame game: I find that friends do not cast blame, it is usually the anonymous folks on the discussion boards who cannot seem to reflect and grow; they remain bitter and place the blame on members of the other sex. I know that it is difficult to give up the anger, but it must be done in order to move on. In my case, though I still occasionally get angry (usually when something is done to hurt the children), most of the time I pity my ex. Given the depth of the lies and betrayals, it will be extremely difficult for this person to not continue the cycle in the future.

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