The hardest part of learning to trust after betrayal has been learning to trust myself.
My fiance and his cousin, both huge Ravens fans, were lucky enough to score tickets to the Super Bowl. In New Orleans. During Mardi Gras. Talk about the ultimate boy’s weekend!
Brock came back into town Monday night but due to his exhaustion on Monday and our crazy schedules on Tuesday, we really didn’t have a chance to connect until last night.
We went to one of our favorite eating spots, ordered our food and he set up his iPad to show me the pictures from the weekend. It was a bit of a deja vu experience for me.
Almost four years ago, I sat in a similar restaurant with my husband, a MacBook Pro open in front of us as he showed me pictures of his recent 10 day trip to Brazil. On the surface, much was the same between those two days. Underneath? Nothing in common at all.
Just weeks before leaving the marriage, my husband returned from what I thought was a business trip in Brazil. I was told that he was there to work with a frequent client of his and the specified show he was supposed to be working was in Sao Paulo That was true. The rest was not. The details he told me about the build and his frustrations with the Brazilian labor were complete lies. The names of people he was working with were utter fabrications. Instead of a work trip, it was actually a pre honeymoon with his soon-to-be second wife.
I didn’t know any of this until later.
I completely trusted my husband. It never would have entered my mind that he culled pictures to make a file that was “Lisa” safe, removing all evidence of his fiancee. I never thought to carefully examine the “work” pictures in the mix, looking for signs that they were pulled from the internet or from earlier shows.
My brain trusted my husband completely. Yet, my gut was unsettled during that entire trip. I was anxious, restless, filled with concern for his safety. It knew something.
Last weekend could not have been more different. My fiance was at the ultimate party and I was completely calm. I had no anxiety. No unease. I looked at his pictures with complete calm, enjoying his enjoyment.
It’s crazy to think that I used to trust my husband more than I trusted myself. I believed him more that I believed my own instincts. I have learned how to trust myself. I have tuned in to my instincts and I am less inclined to rationalize any twinges that I feel. There is no guarantee that I will never be betrayed again, but at least I know that I won’t be the one to do it.
This was one of the overriding feelings I had when I found out about my ex-wife’s affair. I had inklings of feelings about something not being right – work trips away, wondering if she was just in the hotel room on her own or doing something (someone?!) else. And it turned out to be true. The horrible feeling of misplaced and abused trust. It was heart breaking. And now, three years later, I’m still at the point of finding it hard to trust people. And if I start having similar feelings as before regarding something not quite right, and I act on them because of previous experience, and it turns out I’m wrong?! What a mind f***. Great post 🙂
Trust is one of those things that can disappear in an instance yet take a lifetime to rebuild.
“trusted him more than I trusted myself”—powerful line and powerful awareness
Same here, except my ex then threw that in my face during the divorce… It was my fault because I was to trusting, I made it too easy for him…
I have a feeling mine felt the same way – or saw it as a game. Pretty sick, huh, when the trusting one is made to feel inadequate.
Yep. Happened to me too. Apparently he left emails open on his computer, and letters on his desk- and I never found them! So it was MY fault because if I had found them and challenged him, then maybe things would not have gone so far (his ‘friendship’ sliding into an affair). ……
Trouble was I was so trusting I never went to his desk or computer. Why would I?
The lessons we learn…
It is very strange how you just have that gut feeling that something isn’t right. I always listen to that feeling because 98% of the time I find it to be correct. Thats how I started to learn about what my wife was doing. Lisa you are a god send for people like us, you truly are! But you couldn’t go to Mardi Gras???????
Thanks:) I listen to my gut now. I’m super analytical by nature which is what led to the distrust of my intuition in the first place.
Mardi Gras/Super Bowl = $$$$ 🙂 Plus, it was a great opportunity for my fiance and his cousin to have some guy time!
Amazing–the lesson that our gut never lies. And it doesn’t. We just have to grow up enough and trust enough to believe it, even when it seems irrational . . .
Exactly. I was too rational and tried to analyze everything through that framework. That doesn’t always work!
This is so wonderful and happy for you that you can trust again. That you can love again and feel safe. I am sorry about the lessons you have learned, very hard and overwhelming. But sometimes the end is worth the journey.
I agree:) I wouldn’t want to go through that again, but now I am glad I have!
I can’t imagine saying “but now I am glad I have” but I’m glad to see you say it. It gives me hope that someday I will feel again.