Classification of Infidelity

51 Responses

  1. Excellent informative post. I had cheater four but I finally left.

  2. Yay! I’m Compound-Complex! LOL God, some days if I don’t laugh about it, I’d never survive it.

  3. LostMyWay says:

    Mine was definitely type 4 as well as I noticed all the signs and when confronted was told it was not happening and then he is just a friend when caught. When she left it was all my fault. But this puts alot into perspective for me as I am just now trying to deal with all of this! Thank you so much!

  4. I had a # 4 + Compound (adult children & financial betrayal) + Complex (Abandonment & maybe some gas-lighting which I did not recognise).
    Interesting post that puts things into perspective.
    It has taken me 16 months to say it. However, like you I now feel “lucky” that he made a clean ‘cut and run’ leaving me with no choice but to pick myself up from the floor and move on. And even though abandonment does steal your voice we can follow your lead in speaking out to others and help them through the pain – and that in turn helps us, and gives us back some control and a degree of closure.
    And I am also finding that for many of those that are in type # 1 or 2 category; it can be “death by a thousand cuts” over many years and I am so glad now that I am not in that place.

    Thanks for the post.

    • You are so welcome:) I’m glad you are also able to see some of the bright side of the sudden end. I like the ‘death by a thousand cuts’ analogy – it is a good way to contrast with the amputation we experienced.

    • DawnofMyNewLife says:

      Death by a thousand paper cuts indeed, especially with the gas-lighting. I still love my soon to be ex-husband dearly, but he just couldn’t control his behavior. I’m still in the sad and “knowing i have to leave” phase but you conquerors give me much hope!

  5. Steve Kubien says:

    Let’s see… Compound Infidelity, check. (multiple partners & school-age kids. Complex Infidelity, check (gas lighting). She is /was a real piece of work.

    Ours was a case of #4.

    There is a strong part of me that wants to get into a new relationship but a) I’ve still got loads of bitterness & hatred towards her and it hardly seems fair to introduce that to someone else. B) The only person I want right now is (unhappily) married & I can’t be the guy(s) my ex cheated with.

    Fun frickin’ times.

    • It sounds like it’s wise for you to wait. I had to work to move past the anger too before I was ready for a new relationship. I agree that not only is it not fair to carry it forward, but it also dooms the new relationship if not addressed.

    • Marsha says:

      I feel the same. I thought I might be ready for a new relationship but realize I’m not. But what I miss most is the companionship. Someone to talk with at the end of the day, to share all the little things with. Since he cheated with a “friend” it makes even my friendships difficult now. It’s a pretty lonely place to be.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Type 4 and I am still learning how to more on, trust others and trust myself to t make the same mistakes again.

  7. By these definitions, my wife was a “type 4 – gaslighter”. She cheated: my fault because I’d become passive and that was not sexy and did not cater for her needs as a woman. Why had I become so passive? I got used to her getting her own way and using tantrums and sulking to get it and she had her mother on side. I learnt that my views were insignificant – I was wrong… all the time unless of course I agreed with them.

    She created the mess that led to her affair – yet it was my fault – apparently.

  8. Heather says:

    Type 4-Complex (Abandonment and Gaslighting) here! Loved the article as usual. 🙂

  9. Scarred says:

    I was actually the cheater in my marriage. We’ve been together 12 years and I have made amends. I was looking for a way to cope with his depression and his actions and I made a mistake. I owned up to it, took responsibility, and dealt with the consequences. He has problems with addiction, we are both depressed. We both have issues that neither one of us can handle. I took it too far and I know it. We’re still working on things.. and it’s not been easy. But we’re trying.
    Even being from the “other” side of things, this was very enlightening. Thank you for sharing.

    • Thanks for commenting. I’m glad to hear that you’ve taken responsibility and that you two are working on your marriage. You raise a good point about sometimes issues are too big to handle alone.

  10. Kay BeeBee says:

    My cheater used up a great deal of energy trying to make me feel my instincts were nuts … he also cheated financially … he now lives with her … thank god!! x

  11. Reblogged this on Repairing Shattered Pieces and commented:
    Love this post.

  12. Chris Anton says:

    Your blog is an incredible affirmation to hope and to the belief that through suffering comes wisdom. I was married for 23 years. I caught my ex sexting our vet, a man who is almost as old as her 70 year old father. After a year of marriage counseling and two years of swearing that she still wanted to stay married to me, she took off with my kids and her boyfriend. In these situations, you learn who your friends are and how important family is. The best remedy for what happened is laughter. Thank God I have friends who can help me see absurdity of it all.

  13. Very hard to try and get others to understand. Mine, was and is Compound and Complex, Multiple and Financial with Gaslighting……don’t wish it on anyone. He said at the end…..”this will make you stronger.” As if he had given me a gift.

  14. jesstme123 says:

    I’ve got type four waiting for him to change. Maybe it’s just time to get out. Do things really get better when your alone raising the children by yourself?

  15. Karen says:

    I have compound-complex. Known affair partner, children involved, financial betrayal, abandonment, and gas lighting. Thanks for this breakdown. Seeing it this way helps me to realize that no one fully comprehends the audacity of it and the complexity of it because there is no way they can realize all the layers and how painful they were to accept and come to terms with.

    With the help of great friends, family, and a very competent therapist, I am happy, healthy, and moving on, but I am a scientist and a problem solver, so there are lingering questions that my problem solving brain keeps wanting to answer. I have been reading your blog over the last few days, along with the many honest and insightful responses. Both have helped me to have a better understanding of it all and to answer some of those questions that have been hanging about the periphery of my mind.

    This is not a club I would choose to be a part of, but in an odd way it has become an honor. It has humbled me and made me considerably more compassionate and empathetic. I give love more freely and easily now. I am happier and healthier emotionally. I have a better understanding of the true purpose of our existence on this earth. I can now live in the present and seek to bring the best both to my day and the day of those around me. It is a gift I can give my young children and the 150+ teenagers in my classroom.

    Thank you for sharing of yourself and for opening up a forum for others to share as well.

  16. Mine was financial betrayal, abandonment, gaslighting, children and addiction. I can’t thank you enough for your blog. It has really helped me this last year

  17. MicroGal says:

    Mine was compound-complex – serial cheating the entire marriage, gaslighting, financial abuse, porn addiction.

  18. Catherine T says:

    To the commenter above who is the cheater- adultery is not a mistake- it is a choice. You chose to break your marriage vows- you planned and lied and covered up. Those were all choices. I truly hate it when someone calls it a mistake. A mistake is adding things wrong on your taxes. And you still have to pay a penalty if you do that!

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