I was 11 when I began stalking Adam.
Growing up, I spent a lot of time at friend’s houses. One friend had a younger brother who played Little League and she and I would frequently be dragged along to his games. Now, as sophisticated and suave 6th graders, we were well above watching the 8 year old’s play. We were into the big boys.
I developed an intense crush on a 13 year old named Adam. He was tall and thin with long blond hair. The hair was the important part – put some long locks on any boy at the time and I would start drooling. Adam was like Prince Charming and Jon Bon Jovi all rolled into one. The scary thing is that I knew more about Jon Bon Jovi than I did Adam. You see, although I still have an entire roll of pictures of him, I never summoned the nerve to approach him at the field. He went to a different school, so the intel I had on him was scarce and somewhat suspect.
But I didn’t care. I was happy enough to create his personality and interests while watching him run the bases. I’d weave fantasies of us running off together. I had pictures of him in my school binders (binders full of Adam?) and on my walls. He may not have known who I was, but he was a major fixture in my life. This continued for the next two years.
One day I heard my mom call across the house,
Picking up, “Hello?”
“Hey. It’s Adam. From the ballpark?”
I almost dropped the phone. It was a dream come true. I knew he had access to my number through a chain of friends, but I never imagined he would call.
Of course, I tried to play it cool.
“You go to —- high school, right?”
“A friend of mine goes there. Do you know —–?”
“Do you play baseball for the school?”
“Do you play any other sports?”
And that was what the entire conversation was like. All 30 minutes of it. He was nice enough, but he was no Prince Charming and certainly no Jon Bon Jovi. In fact, he was boring. He just happened to have long hair.
When I hung up the phone, I also hung up on my crush on Adam.
That was an easy dream to release. I had little invested in it and, as a boy crazy 13 year old, I had lots of other options on the horizon. He truly was easy come and easy go.
Not all dreams are so easy to release. The more time, effort and energy we have invested in a dream, the more we are committed to holding on even when all signs point to letting go. The more we see the dream as a reflection of ourselves, the tighter the binds to the image.
Dreams can be amazing and powerful motivators that help us make wonderful changes. They can inspire and encourage and carry us through the darkest days.
But some dreams are made entirely of fantasy. In order for a dream to become reality, it must contain elements of truth. If we hold tight to unattainable fantasies, we will never be content.
I faced this cold, hard fact dead on when my husband left. I had held tight to a dream of us growing old together. I saw us hand in hand with wrinkles covering our faces and our heads swathed in gray. That dream was no easy go. It was unbelievably painful as it was ripped from my grasp. But until I released it, I would not be happy.
So, how can you tell which dreams are inspirational and which are detrimental? How do you know if you should hold on or release your dream?
Fact Check: Don’t make the mistake I did with Adam. Check the elements of your dream against reality. Preferably sooner than later. Reality will hit regardless, but it’s nice to anticipate and plan for its arrival. Sometimes, the truth derails the dream entirely and sometimes it is merely a roadblock to work around. Regardless of what it is, awareness is key.
Alignment: Does your dream align with who you are and your core beliefs and needs? I see evidence of ignoring this one in the school system. Many second career teachers (especially in math) started out in fields where they were isolated all day. They had always dreamed of being an accountant/underwriter/etc., but they never though to realize that it didn’t align with their need for social interaction. Cue crushed dream.
Perspective: Sometimes the path to achieve a dream doesn’t become apparent until a new perspective has been gained. You pretty much have two choices here: keep on living and shelve the dream until your experiences give you direction or talk with others and hear their take on your aspirations. Of course, friends don’t always know what’s best. Mine encouraged my fantasies about Adam:)
Shift: Many dreams are not all or none. I’ve had fleeting fancies of running in the Olympics. But, let’s be honest. A 5’2″ 35 year old late in life runner has about as much chance of that as Tiger does of becoming president. So, a gold medal was out, but I could still shift my dream to running a marathon – the kind where they let anyone run:) Maybe the dream is the image that can motivate you to a more realistic reality.
And, for goodness sakes, if you have a crush on someone, don’t wait two years to talk to them!
10 thoughts on “Releasing a Dream”
Man I just love everything you write! I have a crush on a friend who’s also a client at work. I keep telling myself if it’s meant to be it will work itself out, yadda yadda but really it’s not going to work itself out, is it? I need to take the plunge and tell this dude how I feel. Bah. Romance is so much easier in movies. 🙂
Thanks! Good luck with your crush:)
“Of course, friends don’t always know what’s best. Mine encouraged my fantasies about Adam:)” –> Okay, first of all, good friends encourage dreams, even when they’re crazy-dreams, just because sometimes we need to dream, and they want to support us. Secondly…. they were 13! 😛
Also, you faced SUCH an extreme and cruel situation when your husband left. Your dream of growing old with him was NOT unreasonable. It sounds as though you are blaming yourself for not having seen this coming, and I feel so bad for you, if this is what you are doing to yourself. There was no way you could have known ahead of time that he was going to do what he did. Your recovery from this is nothing short of incredible and heroic. Please know that you are such an inspiration to me, and to others, and that you have zero blame in that scenario. You were a victim, and you changed that into being a survivor. I’m humbled to be blog-friends with you.
Happy to be blog buds with you as well:)
I hope I didn’t give the impression that I was blaming myself or that I was ‘wrong’ to have the dream of growing old together. That dream was normal and rational while we were together. However, it would have been irrational and damaging for me to hold on to that dream after he disappeared, making it clear that there would be no “us” going forward. That’s where reality and dream clashed.
We all have crushes but the way you wrote about how to get your mind to take charge was great! I think that getting to the bottom of the situation, the reality is so hard. There are so many layers and the older you get, the more ability to fake the truth becomes evident. I think after 7 months with a man who told me lots of things that were his version of the truth, some out and out lies and very little real person, I finally figured out who he was. I can be his friend, but I won’t waste time trying to find the persona he presented at first. It is like all the shine wore off him. And here I am at fifty plus years still trying to figure out who is going to fit me. I am so glad that you are ahead of the game years-wise and can use your knowledge to base the future partner with.
You are so right that the layers become more complex as we age. But then again, we also can ripen. Who knows, perhaps Adam is quite the catch now? 🙂
Great post, Lisa, thanks for this. The dreams of growing old together, exactly what I was mourning with a friend last night. The need to let go? Well, it speaks to the adult in me (somewhere!) but my inner child is still screaming ‘I don’t want tooooooo!!!’ I’m still crushing after 25 yrs and being totally crushed 🙁 But your writing keeps me positive x
My inner child is prone to tantrums too. Maybe a time out is in order?
Thanks for the support:)
Ah, so very apropos for me right now. Thank you for clearly defining a plan of action for me. It was in my brain but having someone else write it out really clarifies it all.
Glad it resonated:)