The Accounting of Loss

18 Responses

  1. rascalfoxx says:

    You are SO smart!

    Long ago, when we were losing so many, so fast; we adopted the expression “Count the living, not the dead.”

    Your Gratitude poster on your wall does that well. Kudos to you. 😀

    Nowadays, as I ‘lose’ people in other ways, the expression holds true, perhaps more than ever.

    In a very real way, I lost a beloved wife to her mental illness; although one could conjecture that I never actually had her.

    But my reality is that I am free to love fully, now that she is gone. Gone. Sometimes that’s a very good word! 😀

  2. Steve says:

    I look forward to the time when I can stop adding to the red ledger, but I’m not quite there yet. I’m not happy about it but I’m still at the point where I practically look for things to add to my red.

    How long does it take to stop doing dumb shit like looking through a stray electronic device, combing through the emails from the past? Why the hell do I do this? It sure isn’t healthy.

    Dont get me wrong, there are things in the black ledger as well. Lots of them actually. I think I will start a physical, portable, hard copy of the “black” so I always have it with me, to pull out and refer to when I need it. I should probably do this before today’s meeting with the lawyers…

    • That’s actually similar to one of the first survival skills I learned as a teacher. I keep a large envelope in my classroom with positive notes and pictures from kids over the years. On those hard days when I fee like I can’t take any more, I take out my envelope, read, and smile. Sometimes in full view of the class that is causing me grief. Tangible reminders are a great thing!

    • Oh, and we all do the dumb stuff. I had to set hard boundaries for myself after the divorce was final. Find the trick that works for you and stick with it.

  3. I find myself focusing on the figures in red from time to time. But every day I am reminded and grateful for the things I have gained from not being in that relationship anymore! And that will always outweigh those numbers in red! 🙂

  4. butterfly says:

    This post hit close to home. I also lost all of my itunes library when my ex walked out on me. But, I am also learning that I am gaining some significant assets in being out of the relationship. Still grieving, for sure, but keep reminding myself of the good things.

    • Steve says:

      Butterfly, except for the iTunes library, it sounds like we are in the same place. Keep counting the good stuff.

    • I received innocent spouse relief from the IRS. Think we can get Apple to offer something similar for iTunes? 🙂
      Keep focusing on you assets – they will grow over time while the losses begin to fade.

  5. Dee says:

    mine didnt take my itunes library he was so dumb that i had to manage all his online stuff including emails, but somehow he managed to troll the dating and porn sites though. He never had a facebook profile,another mark of a psycho secretive. Thats a blessing for me,but a danger for his future victims, if you Google him nothing comes up his name is too common. They cost us eveything, but Like you, I escaped with my life and started over, that is the greatest satisfaction, in a decade past of being deprived of any. There are no answers just a tangled ball of wool, it is our humaness that keeps us searching for motives and meaning, they are absent of any meaning.

    • You are so right with your apt description of a tangled ball of wool. It is so easy to worry at it fruitlessly, unraveling the same thread only to end up back at the start. The ball of wool only brings pain and confusion but gratitude can help set us free. Let’s make the best of those lives we have:)

  6. Thomas Ross says:

    Gratitude is a powerful thing. Makes us stronger. Regret is corrosive and weakens us.

    Good idea to retire that ledger.

    Thanks for continuing to share your struggles in such an honest and open way. It is a gift to all of us.


  1. November 14, 2012

    […] Accounting of Loss […]

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