The Accounting of Loss
I’m a numbers girl. I like to quantify things. I enjoy manipulating variables until I arrive at the security of the right answer. So, when I went to play a favorite album on my iTunes yesterday and my ex’s email popped up with a prompt for an unknown password (his computer was the main one and so all iTunes purchases and downloads were routed through his machine), I wanted to pick up a red pen and add “iTunes library” to the mental ledger that catalogued all of the losses from the divorce. Its entry would reflect the dollar value of replacing all of the shared library that now only accessible by him. It would not be a lonely entry; it would join hundreds of other losses, both tangible and intangible, that I incurred with that initial text.
Fuming, I settled on another album, pressed play, and looked up to resume work on formatting the book (note to self – never, and I mean never, take a job that includes editing or formatting!). My eye caught a note that I have posted above my computer:
-awesome family & friends
-good job and promising additional career
-health and love of working out
-roof over my head in a city I love
-progress beyond imagined
-learning to let go of fear
-being able to help others heal
-he didn’t take my life
Obviously, that list would be recorded in black in the assets column of my mental ledger. But what dollar amount would I assign to each item? How could I even begin to quantify those things that are so dear? I can’t. There are some things that go far beyond an analytical list.
I think it’s time to retire the ledger and to become lax in my accounting, at least that done in the red. I think I’ll choose to count my blessings rather than enumerate my losses.