The tears were close to the surface this morning.
Tears of frustration born from his decisions nickel and diming away my future.
Tears of anger at myself for falling for his swindle.
Tears of shame at how I am perceived as I act as the face of his mess
While he continues to run away.
I welcomed the hot breathe of the yoga studio today,
Seeking purification and strength within its walls.
I set my intention, looking for acceptance.
I was told to “let it go,”
But I held on for dear life.
As I pressed into my first down dog,the hot tears formed furrows
In the beads of sweat rolling down my face.
I struggled to keep my breath as the sobs stole the rhythm from my vinyasa,
The body trying to share its wisdom with the mind.
“Feel deeper,” echoed the instructor’s voice as we were bent over in a forward fold,
The tap-tap-tap of sweat hitting the floor telling the tales of the heat.
“You will not be given more than you can bear.”
My hips felt like they were being wrenched apart,
Following in the footsteps of my heart.
“Let it go.”
I breathed into the pain, trying to soften.
“Don’t let the difficulty opening the hips translate to tension in the neck;”
“Don’t let something that is challenging destroy something which is working beautifully.”
Folding into child’s pose, I took a moment and let that soak in.
My current struggle is temporary, my gratitude is not.
“Let it go”
I walked out of the studio, the pouring summer rains,
Washing the sweat and tears from my enlightened body.
Ready to sever the final ugly tie to the past,
Trusting that the price will not be too much to bear.
I am ready
to let it go.
;
;
Related articles
- Tears look like sweat: yoga for grief (justherejustnow.wordpress.com)
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I love this!
You ARE SO Great. Thanks for your good example.
Sometimes I bitch (on the inside) about the price that I paid and am still paying for getting rid of her.
Then I remember it’s only money and that I am SO lucky to be rid of her. And yes, that Gratitude is deep for me. I am so relieved to be done with her. YEA!!!!!!! I don’t have to deal with her ever again. Taaaa daaaaaah. And that is worth it.
The judge and I both knew I was being soaked, the papers were signed that moment, in my presence, so that I would know it was done, fini, over, severed, never to be reconnected, ‘ding dong the witch is gone’, and I am so grateful for the peace of life without her.
Every day I’m shuffling….oops, was channeling Party Rock. Every day I’m grateful.
Need to look up ‘yoga and child position’.
I guess I might add this. I have watched many men do very bad things in their marriages and often even worse things in their divorce proceedings. If I could, I would feel embarrassed for being a man due to that. (I’m incorrrigible so I don’t.)
And frankly, I think a lot of men have gotten what they deserved in terms of harsh treatment by their former spouse. There are many men, that if they were whipped and dragged for a mile in the sage brush, would still not have gotten what they deserved due to their bad actions upon their wife. But the former wife would probably consider it to be a good start.
That said, some women are amazingly bad. I mean, really. A friend’s ex wife flogged him for over 4 years, using the courts. Then sued him several times after they were divorced. The judge finally sanctioned her and her attorney. That case is why I agreed to what I did 2 years ago. That prospect can haunt a man and motivate him to do most anything. Did me.
So… gender wars. hmmmm. I guess it starts with “Would you like to go to dinner sometime?”
It would be nice if everyone would grow. . . up. Then the only one we would need to worry about is my bad behaviors.
Some day, I might meet a woman who doesn’t think I’m incorrigible. I should probably run when that happens. idk.
I remember someone asking Fawn what she would do if it didn’t work out with her new husband Andy. She said, “Oh, I would just shoot the sonavabitch.” She weren’t kidding. Lost track of her for 25 years. Found her last year on the other side of USA. Diff husband. Frankly, I didn’t have the nerve to ask what happened to Andy. She didn’t say, I didn’t ask. Some things, well, I don’t gotta know. 😀 Googled Andy, no results. idk.
I am with you on the, “grow up” aspect…it would make everything so much easier! Hope Andy made it out okay!:)
I can relate…yet I am still holding on. I forced myself to the saving grace that I have found in going to yoga. Yesterday morning I too had tears and sweat, relief but still the pain lingers. I want to let go. I want to move forward. I just feel so stuck and the future is scary. After 10 years of my life with someone…is it really possible to start a new chapter at 30? I hear people say yes, however I have fallen so quickly back into the pattern, the cycle…the unhealthy cycle. Grasping to control and trying to just keep going all the while I hear a resounding “let go”. Thank you for your posts…..they are encouraging.
I think I tell myself to, “let go” at least every 20 minutes:) It is not an easy lesson to learn!
Aloha S. !
As to starting over at 30 . . .
I think it is possible.
Here’s why:
My last divorce wiped me out, devastated me in every way. Almost died from the shock and stress of it all, gave up all assets, took debt that wasn’t legally mine, all to get rid of her.
And started over.
In a matter of weeks, it will be 3 years since she and I split up.
Life is finally beginning to normalize, health is almost recovered, etc.
I may start dating this Fall. I’m still not quite ready.
As to why I think you can start over at 30. . .well, I turned 60 last fall.
And I am starting over.
From less than zero financially, etc.
Interesting place to be at 60.
But things always work out and I am grateful to not have to attempt to make a good relationship with ‘her’ any more; I don’t have to try to do the impossible with her any longer.
I am free. 😀
So you’re 30. That’s great! Good luck to you, all the best, take good care, and run fast. 😀
You CAN do it. I know it does seem like the world has ended.
And in many ways, it has ended. Your ‘old’ world has ended; and that’s a good thing. 😀
It just hurts like hell for a long while. But feeling pain is good, in that, you can still feel.
Embrace the pain, journal a lot when you can, read this blog-Lisa talks about the constructive things that she did to work through what she experienced.
You will find your NEW way, build your NEW world, develop the NEW you,
and be stronger for what you learn in this growth experience.
Mr. Fox,
Well said:)
I would add…
At first, I thought I lost everything. I saw it as completely starting over at 32. In reality, I was not starting from the beginning. I had the wisdom from 32 years going for me this time around.
Thank you both for the kind words! It helps to hear it from people who have already walked the road. I will get there..day at a time. I just need to let go completely!!:)
You just keep walking Ms S, one step, one day, and soon, things get better, easier, calmer, and happy. 😀