Dating After Divorce: Your Ten Commandments

11 Responses

  1. Are these ex married people trying to get married again or have fun? Some of this thing seems like games that keep people from getting married. It is how a college person would take on life, not to settle down, and have fun. You make some great point about making a list and focusing in on what the list entitles. I agree that relationships end because people sacrificed pieces of themselves they would undoubtedly miss, but not looking at the destination; it’s all about the destination. If a person doesn’t know where they are going, they will just be driving around and wasting gas. When a person has lost a relationship it’s important to resolve their issues before they start dating, but when they start dating again, they have told themselves they are ready to love again. That means being themselves at all cost; this would weed out everybody that isn’t meant to share their world. This also means encouraging others to be themselves, this should assure no surprise about the person they chose to share their lives with. I also agree that the movies romance can be unrealistic but the real thing will be better than the movie because you will have fights, romance, breaking up, making up, but the best part is that it doesn’t end in Two hours!!!!

    • The destination is certainly part of it, but I do not believe it is the whole. I see it like the beginning of a yoga class: you set an intention for the practice and then let it go. In this way, you are guided by your intention, but not owned by it. I see dating the same way. If your desire is to be a long term relationship, then set that intention from the start, but do not allow it to control you.

      I have found that those who approach dating with only the “end” in mind seem to be driven by fear of being alone. Dating is a journey, and I think that it is okay to stop and smell the roses along the way.

  2. rascalfoxx says:

    Great! Clearly the acquisition of wisdom does not necessarilty correlate to the passage of time. Thanks!

  3. “The Destination:” HAHAHAHA…..But seriously, the destination is what it’s all about. That list (you wrote about) is all about narrowing things down so a person gets what they want out of dating not to just enjoying the journey. Life is the journey and achieving your goal is what truly allows someone to relax and smell the roses. I don’t meet too many people that focus on the destination that is why so many ends up waking up (ten years later) to someone they barely know. I am not saying while a person is dating they can’t have fun; I am saying that the fun should lead straight to the destination. “Two people working to build a home will take pleasure constructing it” but “Two people that talk short-term will only consider renting”!!!! We all should provide choice by telling someone exactly what we are looking for; in hopes that the person sitting across from them are focused on the same vision. Love that you wrote back and not afraid to debate your point!!!! That’s passion!!!!

    • Ah, yes, but life is not linear, is it? In my old life, I was all about the destination, goals which I thought I shared with my husband. Then, I found myself abruptly abandoned and the destination was destroyed with that one text message. My perspective changed.

      As soon as my marriage was over, I knew that I eventually wanted to be in a long-term monogamous relationship again. However, I was no where near ready for that when I first entered the dating scene. Each man I met added to the journey and helped me grow, heal, and learn. There is value in that.

      I have now been in a committed relationship for over two years, but I still do not see that as a “destination.” We are continually learning and growing together.

      I am not advocating that one wanders about aimlessly without goals, nor do I suggest that one’s desires should not be communicated. Rather, I think we would all be better off living more in the moments than in the past (ruminating) or in the future (worrying).

  4. Life isn’t linear because so many stray off the path. You can tell ten people in a room “the fast way to the destination is a straight line” and eight will still veer off because they’re wondering about the moment. What ended your marriage had nothing to do with your dedication to your destination (you were blessed to actually have found yours and was living in it); it had everything to do with this, “live in the moment theory”. Don’t you see that “The text message” was a moment that became a detour! I am a person in search for someone to share my moments with (not sorting through people I am using as moments/experiences). “The past is our education, the present is our journey, and our future is our perceived destination”. See I am looking to fall in love in a moment, in time, or die trying. Any female I share my romantic time with, is a potential destination. I don’t want to collect my moments and realizes with my last breath the collection was worthless. Being ready for love means build a house of moments not roads leading to an endless amount of momentary enjoyment. Remember, happiness is a state of being; being is a city of comfort; comfort is in a home; home is where you feel safe; safe is where you lock your heart; Your heart is the tool used to find someone to give the combination; and the combination is two people combining to enjoy happiness. Commitment is telling someone that my future will always have you in it; fear is trying to capture the moments believe they just may get away.

  5. yulia says:

    I know how difficult the divorce is. But you have simply to overcome it as quick as possible.

  6. smirkpretty says:

    #5 is the one this divorcee needs to remember! It is so easy simply to play at marriage while dating. I have had to check myself on this one repeatedly. Thanks for the list!

  7. I’ve been back to dating for about 8 months now. I hear you on #5. It’s like I forgot that with dating has to come a bit of formality as you get to know each other.

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