I am generally not a jealous person. I don’t mind people that are better looking, make more money, or drive a better car (which is good, since my 13 year old car is pockmarked from hail and covered with pollen!). The one area where I feel the insidious presence of the green-eyed monster is divorce. That’s right; I suffer from divorce envy.
When I hear friends talk about going to lunch with their ex-spouse, I wonder why I have to be in the situation where my lover became an instant stranger. I encounter discussions about amicable divorces that sound about as stressful as packing away the winter wardrobe and bringing out the summer clothes. I get frustrated when people make statements about how women always do better in a divorce, after taking all their husband’s money. And I know some who have.
I have come to terms with being divorced. I have come a long way with dealing with the pain inflicted upon me. But some times, I wish I could have had it differently. A divorce that didn’t have to be devastating. A husband that didn’t disappear. Rather, two lives that simply went in different directions. Of course, if it had not been for the difficult divorce, I would not be on the path I am now. The hardship is exactly what forced me to re-evaluate, re-balance, and re-learn. I am thankful for that.
When I saw Christie Brinkley’s interview the other day (and her ex’s response), I immediately identified with her. So many people including Matt Lauer, it seems), do not understand what it is like to divorce someone who is entirely devoid of empathy and will not hesitate to lie to serve their own end. She has had a difficult divorce too, and I am sure that it has sent her on a new journey. I hope that she has been able to find strength and purpose in her new life. And, I hope for both of us that we are able to be grateful for the blessings in our own situations and not dwell too much on divorce envy.
You will find out that time changes people….trust me on this one.
Thanks for your posts. They help. IDK how you have the time to write them with all the things that you do.
But I appreciate them. EVERY POST YOU PRODUCE HELPS PART OF ME HEAL. Most of the time I didn’t even know that I still had/have some pain in an area. And you help me heal. What can I say to you besides Thanks. IDK, I really don’t know. But I wish I had better words to express how deeply, fervently, and heartfelt I appreciate you for how you help me.
Thanks Ms Lisa, thank you. I hope you can feel the intensity of my appreciation for you. And my respect. There is a Higher Power and I know that that Higher Power is very, very proud of you; and pleased with you. 😀
Still The Rascal
It is difficult for me to imagine marriage as being other than complex and divorce without the sensation of a loss. Nothing more than a mere fb page & a tweet (or twit as the case may be-pun intended)
When my marriage ended, the man I’d been with for 10 years became an instant stranger. He was seeing someone else. Socked away money without my knowledge. Told me he didn’t want me in “his” (meaning “our”) house because he thought I was going to kill him in his sleep. (Sidenote: WTH?) A couple days later he went out of town to see “her” (a woman who worked for him and lived in another state) and I packed up all my belongings that I could fit in the tiniest Uhaul ever and left. I never spent another night under the same roof as him.
We had maybe 3 conversations about our divorce (1:here are the papers, 2: would you PLEASE sign the darn papers, and 3: I need to get a check from you for my lawyer – shoulda read the divorce papers more clearly, not my problem anymore). He never once even uttered the word “divorce” to me. I let him keep his money, although could have sunk his ship financially, although he was sinking it just fine on his own. At the time I was just getting as far away from his toxicity as I could, and today I am grateful that I cut him out of my life with the precision that I did. I don’t allow people like him in my life anymore, what an important lesson and gift learned the hard way!
As for couples who are “friendly” after their divorces, I was never comfortable with my parents’ relationship after their divorce. Looking back now almost 4 years post divorce I am grateful that we went our separate ways and there wasn’t anything lingering between us. A clean break, although incredibly painful at the time, has made me the stronger (and wiser) woman I am today and I wouldn’t trade that for a lunch date with my ex EVER!
I can certainly appreciate the sentiment that you wish your divorce might have been less traumatic in many ways (oh boy Lisa, can I ever!), but I really think there is an advantage to cutting ties and moving on. Life is too short to be tied to an anchor! I think we are the lucky (changed) ones…My $.02
Thanks for your $.02:) Knowing what I know about my ex, I’m glad it was a total amputation. I don’t want him in my life in any way. I think it can be different though when the ex is a decent person and the two people just don’t work in a marriage. One of my readers described how she and her ex high fived as they left the courthouse and that they do great together as coparents. I think that’s pretty cool when it works.