4 Things to Remember When You Can’t Take It Anymore | Bounce Back: Develop Your Resiliency.
The Blame Game
Why is it that some people (those who have never been divorced, or even married, I would suspect) are so quick to lay blame on the end of a marriage. I mainly hear this when there is abandonment or infidelity involved; the expressed assumption is that the spouse on the receiving end must have somehow invited that behavior. It is not unlike the victim-shaming often applied to sexual assault victims or the way an abuser lays the blame at the feet of his/her abused. This mindset can be so damaging for those who are trying to come to terms with what has happened to them. Those who are trying to ascertain if they are damaged or not worthy. Those whose world has been torn asunder and who are looking to right themselves again. We need to reach out in kindness, not lash out in blame.
In my own marriage, I accept responsibility that my intense nature and my mind prone to worrying helped to create an environment that was supportive of his dishonesty. Regardless, that did not make it okay for him to lie for years, embezzle money from the marriage, leave with a text message and no discourse, or commit bigamy. The blamers say he did those things because of me. In the early months, I felt he did those things to me. Now, I believe that he did those things despite of me. He was sick, he was unhappy, he was fighting addictions, and I just happened to be collateral damage.
If you find yourself quick to lay blame, please pause for a moment and think about the appropriateness of the label. Think about the consequences of the assumption. Try to examine the situation from multiple viewpoints.
If you find yourself being blamed, especially after your partner has committed adultery or left without notice, please understand that the blamer is lashing out due to their own insecurities and narrow views. You are not responsible for another’s actions.
Ultimately, blame is a distraction from the core issues in trauma and healing. It is a winless game; it’s best just not to play.
Lessons
Often it is the lessons we are the most resistant to that we need the most.
One Month to Muscles : Experience Life Magazine
Are you looking to get back into shape or to start a strength routine? This easy-to-do yet challenging complete routine is a great place to start.
One Month to Muscles : Experience Life Magazine.
The Boogeyman Man May be Real, But I’m Not Afraid of Him Anymore
I have only seen my ex-husband once since he kissed me goodbye at the airport, putting on a plane to visit my father, completely unaware of the disaster that would strike within the week. The next time I saw him was eight months later in the courthouse, as the legal connection between out lives was severed.
I spent those eight months afraid I would run into him, only relaxing when I knew he was out of town. I would wake up with my heart hammering after a dream of running into him at the grocery store or at a restaurant. I would play the potential encounters over and over again in my mind, rehearsing my reactions. In the weeks leading up to the court date, these nightmares grew into the day time. He was the boogeyman, hiding in every shadow. Even with the building anxiety, I didn’t really expect him to show; he had been in Uganda just a few days prior.
He did show. I passed him in the hall outside the courtroom and didn’t even recognize him. The man I slept next to for 16 years and I didn’t know him. Surreal. Throughout the process, he refused to meet my gaze. I kept looking at him, as though searching for the man I knew behind the new glasses and new suit. He wasn’t there; he had been replaced by a stranger.
That was two years ago.
I rarely think about the possibility of running into him anymore. When I found out last week that one of my favorite (and my ex’s favorite) comics was going to be in town tomorrow, I purchased tickets without hesitation. Only after I clicked, “purchase,” did I realize that, if my ex still lives in town, there is a very real possibility that he will be there. I let that sit for a minute. Examined my response. I wasn’t anxious. I’m glad I am aware of the possibility, just so that I won’t be caught off guard, but I am okay with whatever happens. I just want to enjoy the show.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 