Strategies to Deal With Every Phase of Major Life Changes – Oprah.com.
Dear Ms. Manners: The Etiquette of Bigamy
Like most people, I never though much about bigamy. If pressed on the issue, I would have mentioned Showtime’s Big Love, where one man has several wives and they operate as a single family. When bigamy entered into my life, it was so absurd, so out there, that the only way that I could respond was with humor. Because bigamy is not normally discussed in polite company, I had some issues arise that I wasn’t sure how to handle gracefully.
There was an 8 month period that the two of us were married to my ex. During this time, I referred to her as, “my husband’s wife.” This was wordy and awkward, and caused eyebrows to furrow in confusion. I needed a more direct and concise way to refer to her. I propose (no, not THAT kind of propose!) that we create the term, “wife-in-law” or “husband-in-law” to describe a spouse’s new spouse. Which I guess now makes her my ex-wife-in-law. And, if they are divorced, my ex-ex-wife-in-law. Damn. Wordy again.
Is it strange that I felt a bit slighted that I was not invited to their wedding? My understanding is that it is rude to invite one partner in a marriage and not the other to a co-ed event. It would have been even funnier if the invitation was addressed in the formal manner: Mr. and Mrs. Ex-Husband’s Name. It could get a bit confusing.
As it was, I didn’t find out about the wedding until a few days after it occurred. Then, I was left with the dilemma of a wedding gift. Is one obligated to purchase a gift for a spouse’s wedding? Or, did the fact that my paycheck purchase their wedding rings count as a gift? Maybe a congratulations card? Or, in this case, a condolence card to her?
You see, it all gets so confusing.
In all seriousness, I was glad to discover that he solidified the relationship with a felony. Unlike many caught in the crazy world of divorce, where one partner lies and manipulates the system to try to harm the other, creating an endless he-said, she-said, I had proof that my husband lied. I had irrefutable evidence of infidelity. I had a mugshot and a felony charge to support my case. I am thankful for all of that, but I am sorry that my ex-wife-in-law became another of his victims. I hope that she, too, has learned lessons from her marriage.
I Can’t Carry a Boulder, But I Can Carry Pebbles
and I know how to use a hammer.
Mindfulness is a Highlighter
Do you turn your gaze when you receive a shot? Dream of a tropical island while you are on the dentist’s chair? Imagine walking on the beach while you are crushed into the seats in coach for a cross-country flight? Our minds are so good at these little disconnections, these travels away from the current discomfort. The problem is that, as with anything we repeatedly do, that mental disconnection can become a habit.
When I take an honest look back at my life, I can see that I have, at times, become too dependent upon my mind’s ability to wander. I had two years of teaching where I was completely miserable due to the circumstances at the school. In order to cope, I distracted myself as much as possible. I was not present in that classroom at all, although I still made connections with the kids and had test scores that proved they mastered the material. I knew that I was unhappy with work, but when I realized how dependent I had become on disconnected, I knew that I had to make a change. A drastic one.
Mindfulness is a highlighter. Examine your own life. When do you tend to engage in mental escape? That is a clue that something about that environment, situation, or relationship may need to change because it is causing you pain. Or, perhaps, you need to be honest with yourself about the discomfort and change your approach to it. Regardless, mentally running away from any lasting situation will not be of benefit. Bring your focus to the present and connect with what is causing you discomfort. As with studying a textbook, the highlighted areas are the ones that need more attention.
6 Lessons in Learning to Live Life Without Your Loved One
These lessons also apply to loss through divorce or separation.
6 Lessons in Learning to Live Life Without Your Loved One.
The most difficult lesson for me was to allow myself to feel the grief and the pain. I became an expert at filling my life with distractions (luckily, healthy ones, but distractions nonetheless). I was afraid that if I let the feelings in, that they would become a tsunami, crushing me under their power.
I had to make conscious decisions in the beginning to let myself feel some of it. My mind acted like a seawall, allowing some of the wave through, but holding part back. I was able to feel and process a little at a time, so that no one experience was too overwhelming. This piecemeal approach takes time, but it has worked for me because it breaks it down into manageable chunks, whereas the whole would be too much to bear.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 