Divorce and the rebuilding years afterwords are such a time of uncertainty. All of our assumptions, goals, and plans are wiped out in one swoop and we are left teetering on the brink of the unknown. It is a scary place to be, but one that is ripe with possibility. Read below to learn how to trust and just be in uncertainty.
I was feeling the need to eat lightly this week. When I get that urge, I frequently turn to the amazing Detox Green Soup, which fills me up with nothing but veggie goodness. The chef evens dishes up a bit of marriage advice to go with the soup!
In no time flat, all of this
turns into bowls of this.
I rounded out the greens with slices of red bell peppers and cucumbers to dip in hummus and some nonfat Greek yogurt topped with blackberries for some extra protein.
I love lunches like these; I feel full, satisfied, and clean.
When I told my family last year that I had signed up (and paid good money) for an 11 mile obstacle run, I think their first response was to shuffle through their contacts looking for the psychiatrist I saw in the early months of the divorce. “You’re doing WHAT? Why?,” I heard repeatedly, usually followed with a resigned head shake, “You’re crazy.” Crazy I may be, but I felt compelled to do the event and I am so glad that I did. Tough Mudder was more to me than a run.
A few months after the July disaster of my marriage, I signed up for my very first race ever: a half marathon. This was a bit preemptive, since not only had I never competed, I still was weak and skinny. I went into that race only having completed the distance once before. That was the worst race of my life (cold, rain, illness), but I endured and made it through. It was exactly the confidence boost I needed at that point.
Over the next several months, I ran more races, but none of them required me to dig all that deep into myself. None of them gave me the sense of triumph over adversity that I was seeking.
Then came Mudder. My boyfriend was the one who actually found this race and he proposed that we enter together. I loved the idea immediately. With a shared purpose, we hit the gym with renewed vigor and not a little trepidation.
The event itself was unbelievable. It turned out that it was slated to be held in a dry county, so the money that normally went towards beer instead paid for a longer track – almost 15 miles up and down (did I mention up?) a motocross track. The temperature was cold, and the water obstacles were colder, as volunteers emptied flats of ice into the streams.
It was an amazing challenge for my boyfriend and I to tackle together. It gave a true sense of working together and overcoming adversity. My other races had been alone; it was beautiful to have someone to share this with. It helped me learn to trust him, learn that he was not going to abandon me when the going got tough. We pushed each other, encouraged each other, lifted each other, and even shared some muddy, sweaty kisses. It was amazing.
I think everyone, especially those re-centering after trauma, should do their own version of Tough Mudder. Something that pushes you further than you comfortably want to go. Something to show you what you can accomplish. Something to show you that discomfort is temporary. Something to show you that the support of friends can help get you through when you want to quit. When the big picture of what you have to overcome is too big, it helps to have a little Mudder to think back on and realize, “I can do this.”
I have developed a bit of mail phobia since my divorce; it has a tendency to bite me just when I feel relaxed. I got bit today.
I posted about my huge (psychologically speaking) win with the IRS when I was granted innocent spouse relief a month ago. It seems like I let my guard down about taxes a bit too soon. Today I received a letter from the state that the refund I was owed for 2012 will be applied to an outstanding balance (that I did not know about) from 2006, one of the years the IRS took away my culpability for. It’s so hard not to let the anger surge forth again. The dollar amount is not what bothers me, it is the fact that he still has not addressed his responsibilities and that I am still being asked to pay for his deeds two years after the legal divorce. It makes me want to stomp and scream, curse his name, and declare how unfair it is.
But none of that will help.
The reality is that it is my mess to clean up even if I didn’t make it. I just need to get my big girl panties on, be thankful for what I have, and move on.
After I visit the punching bag, that is:)
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 