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Lessons From the End of a Marriage

A “How to Thrive” Guide After Divorce

Where Is He Now?

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When I share my story, one of the most frequent questions I get is, “Where is he now?”  I don’t know the answer to that question. Here is what I do know.

From the day he left in July of 2009 until the divorce in 2010, I kept tabs on him.  I had my ways.   From this, I learned that his wife, who left him upon his arrest, elected to take him back (I even knew when she had dental work done).  I knew he spent time at his parent’s house in our hometown.  He visited his wife’s family.  I knew the newlyweds went to Uganda in February of 2010.  If you’re looking for a laugh, try telling your divorce attorney that your husband is in Africa with his wife (showering with monkeys, according to her blog) weeks before his court date.  Based upon the look on her face, I don’t think she gets that one much…  I kept up with him over those months because his actions still affected me.  He still could harm me financially; his presence in court could change the outcome, and I was still afraid of running into him.

The last day I checked on his where-a-bouts was the day after the divorce.  I figure at this point, his story is no longer tied to mine, and I don’t want to live my life trying to figure out what he is doing.  This decision has not always been easy.  He has not upheld his financial or legal obligations in the divorce, with the IRS, or in the felony bigamy charge.  There are times that I am so angry, that I want to find him and try to make him face these issues.  The reality is that I don’t want to be his bounty hunter, even if it means I never get the money owed me.

There are also times that curiosity tries to get the best of me.  Is he alive or dead?  In the country or an ex-pat?  Still with the wife?  Living in the same area where I might run into him? These are just questions that I really don’t need to know the answer to.  Right now, all I have is the hope that wherever he is, he is not lying, manipulating, and devastating anyone else.  The only place he exists for me is in my memories and that is where I want him to stay.

More Information: Who Is He?

Update: A Strange Place to Be

Update April 2013: Facing the Dragon

To read the rest of the story, click here.

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15 thoughts on “Where Is He Now?

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  2. I am proud that from the moment we broke up, I blocked my ex and unlinked us online everywhere I could think of. I didn’t want to see what he was up to, and I have never looked him (or the woman he left me for or his new girlfriend two weeks after that) up. I was lucky that nothing tricky was going on financially, but that’s only because I took half of the cash in our bank account and left a few days after it officially ended and made peace with the fact he was destroying our house and letting it go into foreclosure. I lit a match and walked away. And when he got a little sideways to me about something, I threatened to have all correspondence go through MY lawyer and make his life a living hell since he was too lazy to hire one. He never said a peep or caused any trouble to me after that. Our divorce was finalized a year later. We only spoke four times during that last year I think.

    I feel like people come into my life for a reason, but also leave it for a reason. I’m the bouncer to this fabulous club called Katie’s Life and I’ll be damned if people like him make it past the velvet rope. I commend you for not keeping tabs on your ex-husband anymore. Your life deserves better, and you’re living it. 🙂

      1. Thanks! I heard that somewhere else and adopted it. I’m not perfect – sometimes unruly and undeserving people make it past the entrance, but security (my best friend and boyfriend) spots them and helps clear them out! Team effort.

  3. Its always best to stop keeping tabs on your ex so that you can move on…I am currently going through my divorce so desperately waiting for the day when I can stop keeping tabs so that he cannot harm me. But till then, keep your friends close and enemies closer…sigh.

    1. It’s true. My daily routine was to do what I could to track his whereabouts. I hated it but was too scared not to know where he was or what he may be doing. Many people are surprised that I can resist looking him up (especially when I do receive new information), but I have no desire to ever Google his name again. Good bye and good riddance.

      How much longer do you think you have before it’s final?

  4. I can relate to that. I still track all his activities every day so that he cannot spring a nasty surprise on me once again. But yes, like you, once this is over I will not be compelled to look him up ever again. Awaiting the day when I can finally say good riddance to bad rubbish.

    Hopefully it should be final in another 2-3 months.

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