I decided early on to view the challenge of my divorce as an opportunity to learn. Here are some of my lessons:
1) Fear is greatest right before a plunge. Any fan of roller coasters knows this one well; the scariest part of the ride is the ascent as you anticipate the terror ahead. I went through my entire marriage terrified of losing him. Once I did, I found that I could handle the reality much better than the anticipatory fear.
2) Softness is complimentary to strength, not in opposition to it. I used to approach everything like a bull, pushing my way through with pure determination. I have learned the power of flexibility and fluidity and it has only helped me to grow stronger.
Softness Isn’t Just For Selling Tissues
3) Tsunamis can wash out relationships. Great destructive power can lie beneath a placid surface of a marriage. I have learned to be wary of what hides in the depths.
4) Interdependence is preferrable to complete independence. I was often too independent in my marriage, leaving my ex to feel as though he wasn’t needed. I have learned that it is okay to ask for and receive assistance. My current partner and I are very much a team; I’m not sure I could have said that before.
5) Be not do. I have learned the power of stillness, mindfulness, and meditation. I no longer base my self worth on my to-do list.
6) Cooking really isn’t that hard and you don’t have to wear an apron to do it.
I’m No Martha Stewart, But I Found My Kitchen
7) Stress is a choice. I have learned that I can choose not to carry stress and tension, instead releasing it through meditation, exercise, and companionship.
8) Forgiveness is possible even against the unforgivable. Actually, it’s not just possible; it’s required to move forward.
9) The legal system will not protect me. I have had to learn to self-advocate and work within a system that can be manipulated and avoided.
10) Sociopaths exist outside of movies. I think I might have married one.
11) Happiness is found in acceptance, not control. I have learned to be with what is rather than try to force something into reality.
12) I will always be learning.
(You can find my full story in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage.)
I need your permission. I am writing a post about how we often find ourselves in life situations far beyond our control. I have referenced your blog as evidence that there is life after calamity. I have also listed some of your lessons that you have learned in the process of growing strong and healthy, but I will not use them unless you give me the “Go Ahead.”
Thanks.
Be encouraged!
Go ahead:) Just please make sure you credit/link back. Thanks!
Not a problem…and thanks.
Be encouraged!
It’s a quiet afternoon here and I’m giving myself the gift of time to read other writer’s blogs and I found you. Happily.
These lessons are so right, so important. Forgiveness especially- and starting with yourself.
Stay strong.
Welcome:) I’m glad you found this little corner of the blogosphere!
I’m so sorry that these lessons came at such a high cost. My heart breaks for what you went through. I hope you can trust and believe for marriage again and these lessons will serve you well
It has been a high cost, but it has also led to amazing things. That’s what I try to focus on:) Thanks for stopping by!
Interesting website.
I am really impressed that you did try to learn from all this mess. And valuable lessons those were. Many people going through your experience will try to heap all the blame on their partner. You didn’t, and that was pretty impressive.
One thing though: your ex-husband was not a sociopath. At least, if all that you wrote about him was true. See what sociopaths look like here: http://www.sociopathicstyle.com/traits/classic.htm.
On the contrary, he was most likely going through a soul-searching period in his life, and he wrongly thought that divorcing you would fix his problems. T was a great guy, by so many accounts.
I don’t think he was either, although he showed some of the traits (based on what I discovered after he left) in the last few years of the marriage. He was very lost and dug himself into a very deep hole. It’s sad; the results have been tragic for many people.
Let me actually add one more thing. He never mentioned divorce. He was married in the truest sense of the word (loving, intimate, etc.) until he sent that text and disappeared. It was more than soul-searching; he engaged in a very deliberate and elaborate cover-up that persisted even after he was arrested. He was lost, but he worked hard at staying there.
Thanks for reading my post. I hope one day your blog will read Lessons from a Life well LIved. You are a wonderful writer- keep your journey moving forward! Namaste.
“Lessons From a Life Well Lived” – I like that:) Since I’m not sure how to write posthumously, how about, “Lessons From a Life Well Living?”
oh, yes, this journey is a big school…. it’s either good or bad, it’s about learning and self discovery! I am glad you got the point and are learning the life lessons. and we are still learning, even after our spirit soul exited this dimension. I’ve been married for 35 yrs. and I learn everyday. A person with certain levels of self awareness / clarity recognizes there are life lessons in every situation. And each spirit soul in their physical body has different threshold of pain tolerance… some just find this dimension too overwhelming and painful. My granny was Schizophrenic, that was her way of coping while journeying in this dimension.
There are lessons in every situation. Thanks for commenting:)
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Having been through similar things makes me proud of you at how you are bouncing back sometimes and also, like we all do, going backwards. Learning how not to go there too often is an important key. You have become such a strong person, without knowing you, I feel like you have grown so much. And having shown you can have a softer side, too! Meditation, relieving pressure, is so great. I love to deep breath and try to live in the moment. Being with someone who makes you feel like a team, that is remarkable and lucky!!Take care, my friend!
Thank you for the reminders
I need that sometimes.
Thanks for the like and follow. You seem to have a good way of dealing with the reverses in your life, and I wish you well with your writing, and your future. Pete. England
“reverses in life” – I like that:)
You write so honestly about this. Thanks for shriang!
Wow. So well put. As I finalize a divorce and look for the lessons, you’ve put it in a nutshell. Thanks for putting it out there for those of us who need it.
You’re very welcome:) Thanks for stopping by… And, please, share your own lessons on the “Your Lessons” page when you’re ready!
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So much here to learn from here, thank you! I really hope to use some of these lessons to rescue what I used to have but if not, I’m grateful to have your journey to help me on mine.
I wish you the best on your journey. I love your picture. Carry the light with you regardless of which direction your path leads:)
I can relate to a lot of the lessons you have taken from your divorce and the transformative power it can bring into our lives, if we allow it to. I’m still on the journey to enlightenment, but have accepted that it will take my lifetime. Before I thought everything had to be done right here and right now. I am learning that there is a tranquility to be found in the process of becoming.
Love your Blog – sorry haven’t quite worked out how to follow yet
“there is a tranquility to be found in the process of becoming” Love it:) I had to learn that too… I thought I needed to wait to live until I was healed. Then I finally realized that healing is found through living.
Welcome to WordPress:) You should see a “follow” button in the upper left hand corner when you are on any page within someone’s blog. Good luck!
For me, like you, I was terrified of losing my partner. But when I actually did, the experience was horrific beyond anything I could’ve imagined in part because it happened so suddenly. I felt panic, confusion, despondency and incredible yearning all brought to a fever pitch breaking point. I was suicidal on and off for a bit more than a year.
I am so sorry to hear that. I can sympathize – the suddenness, the shock is so severe. It’s not easy to survive. I hope that you’re in a better place now.
Since then? Waaay better. Still looking for love but nowhere near the black hole I was in. Thanks for your reply.
I started the separation process today. im devasted. my husband had a girlfriend & lied totally to me. he said he didn’t have time or emotional energy for me. i have 1 yr old, a 3 yr old, a 4 yr old old & a 7 yr old.
My heart goes out to you and your babies. It is so hard to learn about your spouse’s lies, to discover that your protector has become your persecutor. Betrayal truly is one of the worst pains imaginable. There is no quick fix, no shortcut through the agony. But the way you feel right now will not be how you feel in 6 months. Or a year. Sometimes just knowing that it will change is comfort in itself. Hugs to you and the kids.