So Last Year, This Happened

So last year, this happened. And it wasn’t pretty. My first reaction was more shock than anything. And it got worse before it got better. That night was the longest I had endured in years. It was like four years of healing had been erased in a few moments. Somehow, I made it through the next day at work and, after some self-care that evening, I was even able to poke fun at the encounter.

And this weekend is the anniversary and I’m going back to the scene. And I think I’m okay. The first time is the worst and, even if it happens again, it will be easier than it was then.

Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

It’s not as though there has been enough repeated exposure to lessen the shock value. It’s not like the other triggers that I have slowly erased with the aide of time and layering. This is different. This one is alive. Or at least was a year ago.

Last year, I was surprised.

This year, I’m anticipating.

And I don’t like that.

It reminds me of the early months, when I always kept my eyes peeled and my guard up.

I don’t want to live that way again.

Even for a day.

So I am going to do my best to enjoy the day. Be in the moment. Not worry about what may happen and how I’ll respond. Because I know that I’ll be okay regardless of what transpires. I’ve faced that dragon and slayed it. And, if I have to, I’ll slay it again. I’ve gotten pretty good at that particular battle.

And to my ex, if you are by some chance reading this, please stay home this weekend. I’d really appreciate it.

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7 responses to “So Last Year, This Happened

  1. I see my estranged husband once a month or so for brief periods, but I am terrified of running into him when he is with his girlfriend. I mean, so terrified that I feel I might faint or collapse. I’m sure I’d have at least the same reaction you did.

  2. I have to see my ex on regular occurrences – at least once a week. I have yet to see the paramour in the flesh, though it is now three years since he started seeing her (and a year since the final divorce came through) and he is still with her….my kids have met her numerous times – hell, they even LIVED with her for a brief time. I can only imagine what I will be like when that finally happens. I hope I can handle it with dignity and grace. :)

  3. I am grateful my soon to be ex is in another country, no chance of running into him casually or otherwise. Oddly, some of his relatives continue to attempt a reconciliation between us, they do not understand, he walked out and this is not the first time. I get it, but now I just want it done.

    I wish you peace this weekend. No drama and no hurt.

  4. I hope once you get there, the atmosphere and energy wipe any thought of him from your mind. Have fun! I’m crossing my fingers for you that you don’t have to find out how it would feel to see him again a year later.

  5. It happened a year ago for a reason. If it happens again, it will be for a reason. You are well on your way to mastering this. Remember to breathe :)

  6. I promise u that you will feel peace one day looking directly at him and his next victim who may appear very happy. You won’t feel anything, not even pity, just indifferent and free…..it gets awesome because of the past contrast.

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