What is a Tsunami Divorce?
A tsunami divorce is one that completely blindsides a spouse, flattening him or her with a wave that was never spotted. A tsunami divorce is characterized by a normal marriage and a normal life up until the moment of total and utter destruction. The spouse that embodies the wave may simply disappear, abandoning their significant other with little to know communication or explanation. Infidelity, substance abuse, and mental illness can all play a role in a tsunami divorce. The causes of a tsunami divorce are rooted in the past and far away from the marriage. These contributing factors lay buried beneath the placid sea of the marriage until they burst forth in a great wall of destruction.
What Are the Effects of a Tsunami Divorce?
A tsunami divorce catches the other spouse completely off guard; it is a shock and awe campaign that leaves the survivor stunned and disoriented. One of the more damaging effects of a tsunami divorce is the survivor’s tendency to question him or herself about why no signs were spotted. Others in their lives may echo this sentiment. It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that the signs may have been minimal or only visible in the rearview mirror. The survivor is left devastated by the end of the marriage, confused as to why it occurred, feeling foolish for being “taken,” and angry at the tsunami spouse.
How Does a Tsunami Divorce Differ From Other Divorces?
Most divorces have a long, slow decline or a visible, yet rapidly building disintegration. This leads to a protracted period where one or both partners are wondering if they should stay or go. There are nights spent feeling alone while one remains in the marital home. There are difficult discussions and perhaps heated arguments. One or both partners may be holding on to hope that things will get better or that he/she will change his/her mind. This is a painful process that can slow or even stall healing. On the other hand, it also allows time for pre-grieving of the marriage and it gives both partners a voice in the divorce.
In contrast, a tsunami divorce is sudden. The marriage is often good up until the point it simply doesn’t exist anymore. There are no painful discussions. In fact, there are no discussions at all, which can leave the survivor feeling as though his/her voice has been stolen. There is no chance to pre-grieve, but the healing process can be easier as the abrupt amputation leaves no room for false hopes and no hesitation in the correct path to follow.
What Are Some of the Lessons That Can be Learned by the Survivors of a Tsunami Divorce?
1) Understand that the causes of the tsunami are found in the past and far away. Don’t spend too much time there.
2) Examine your own tsunami warning system. Did your fears and anxieties cause you to look away from some signs of the impending disaster?
3) Realize that, although your devastation was complete, the flattened earth is a clean slate.
4) Don’t be afraid to rebuild. Statistically speaking, tsunamis are pretty rare.
You can read the entire story of my tsunami divorce in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage, available on Amazon.
Love the metaphor. Excellent way to describe this type of divorce. Thank you.
This is very insightful. Where did this term originate from? Did you coin it? There may be a book here.
The book should be finished by the end of the summer:)
Great analogy, especially the part about reexamining the warning systems. It might seem like there was no warning but there always is. Sometimes they just might be hard to spot.
There are signs, but the hard part is recognizing what they point to. The reality is so unexpected and extreme, it is difficult to imagine unless you’ve been there. For example, my husband took the coat he wore to our wedding to the cleaners a few days before he left. I only learned later that he wore it during his bigamous wedding. Can’t say I would have seen that one coming!
Yep, lived through one of those. Looking back I can now see signs – the small cracks in the terribly-laid foundation. I beat myself up about it for a long time. How did I not see it coming? And better yet – how did I even end up marrying someone who really didn’t like me (let alone love me)? Hard questions I’ll never know the answer to. But my therapist has taught me that my Intuition is always right – where there is smoke there is fire. I lived in fear for a long time that it would happen again and the tsunami would hit again – but that’s a lie. That’s my old self living in fear. Today I am a stronger and more independent woman because of it, and I now see my divorce for exactly what it was – a gift!
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Thank you for writing this. I now have a metaphor to describe what I’ve gone through this past year.
You’re welcome:) I’m sorry that you’ve been through a tsunami too.
Thanks! I plan on buying your book soon and reading it. I hope it can give me some more insight into how to survive this tsunami.
I hope so! It is the whole story – no stone left unturned – of the relationship, the tsunami, and how I found happiness through the pain. I think it gives hope and understanding for any one who has been through the end of a relationship. I know that when it happened to me, I felt like I was the only one who had such an abrupt end. I don’t want anyone else to have to feel that way.
I felt that way, too. I know I’m not the only one who’s gone through divorce, but I thought no one had experienced such a quick demise of their marriage. I honestly can’t express how much it meant to me to read what you wrote and know that I’m not the only one. Thank you so much for writing!
You are so welcome! I felt alone as well, which is one of the main reasons I started the blog and wrote the book. There are many of us who have felt the sudden destructive power of a tsunami divorce. And there are many of us who can prove that it is a survivable tragedy.
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