March 2012 – Lessons From the End of a Marriage

Dry Rot

Posted on March 31, 2012 by stilllearning2b

My marriage was a house with dry rot. Who knows when that first insidious fungi moved in, starting to dissolve the home from the inside out? The structure over the marriage was covered with plaster, a perfectly placid facade that hid the underlying infection. The dry rot, in the form of lies and deceptions, ate away at the very foundation of the marriage, creating vacuums where once had stood strong supports. The damage grew, showing no symptoms, until one day catastrophic failure occurred and the entire structure collapsed. If the infection had been visible, perhaps it could have been treated before it led to the ruin of the home. But, he worked hard to keep it hidden, distracting me with new paint and wall coverings that hid the extensive damage. I thought my marriage was a beautiful home. It turned out to be nothing but a pile of sawdust.

I am determined to not let dry rot erode my relationship now. The structure is more visible; there are no elaborate decorations hiding the bare bones beneath. We keep an eye out for potential sources of moisture that could initiate the dry rot process and we work to eradicate the dampness before it spreads. We seek out areas of weakness in the joists and work together to build braces to enhance their integrity. There are no promises that I will not face a collapsing house again, but this time, I refuse to live in a home unaware that it is being destroyed from within. This time, I want a relationship that stands.

Variable Moods and Extrinsic Sources of Happiness

Posted on March 30, 2012 by stilllearning2b

For the most part, I try to steer my own happiness. I work to consciously react to situations and choose my mood. I can’t from the one glaring area; however, where my mood is entirely dependent upon external factors: my students’ success.

Of course, it makes sense that I want my students to do well. I spend the better part of a year forming relationships with them and working hard to help them understand algebra (unfortunately, I do more of the work than they do in many of the cases). I find joy in those lightbulb moments where the elegant simplicity of a linear function becomes apparent to them. I grin from ear to ear when I realize that they have learned the power of persisting through a difficult problem and the satisfaction that comes with a hard-won answer. I love to see them mature over the year and learn more about themselves.

So, what’s the problem? The problem is that the success of a middle schooler on any given day is impacted by such variables as the phase of the moon, Justin Bieber’s current hairstyle, the number of vampire movies playing in the theater, and some complicated formula (pretty sure it’s the inverse square) that involves the length of time since the most recent Gears of War was released and the strictness of their parents. I don’t have a whole lot of influence on those things.

My moods can shift like the tides depending upon how my students are performing. When their test scores are up, so am I. When they fail, I feel like I have. The result? My mood takes on the shape of a sine wave, steered by the hands of 8th graders. I take their grades personally, even though I have limited control over them. The times that make teaching worthwhile are when I hear the words, “Thank you for explaining math to me. I get it now.” My goal is for none of them to ever be held back in their goals due to a lack of math comprehension.

I’m sure this is something that parents feel, only on a larger scale. You want your progeny to work hard and be successful, but you have to step back and accept that they will make their own choices. Yes, you have an influence on their choices and successes, but they ultimately are the ones in control of their actions.

As we head into testing season, I am going to work to separate my happiness from my students’ performance. I want to be more clear in my own mind about my role and the limitations of my role. I can take pleasure in what I can control; I know that I have worked hard to reach the students and to make the math accessible to them. I refuse to let a number 2 pencil dictate my mood. But it will be nice if they do well. Maybe if Justin Bieber cuts his hair…

A standard number 2 pencil, unsharpened. Made ... — A standard number 2 pencil, unsharpened. Made by Sanford. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Divorce Envy

Posted on March 29, 2012May 5, 2012 by stilllearning2b

I am generally not a jealous person. I don’t mind people that are better looking, make more money, or drive a better car (which is good, since my 13 year old car is pockmarked from hail and covered with pollen!). The one area where I feel the insidious presence of the green-eyed monster is divorce. That’s right; I suffer from divorce envy.

When I hear friends talk about going to lunch with their ex-spouse, I wonder why I have to be in the situation where my lover became an instant stranger. I encounter discussions about amicable divorces that sound about as stressful as packing away the winter wardrobe and bringing out the summer clothes. I get frustrated when people make statements about how women always do better in a divorce, after taking all their husband’s money. And I know some who have.

I have come to terms with being divorced. I have come a long way with dealing with the pain inflicted upon me. But some times, I wish I could have had it differently. A divorce that didn’t have to be devastating. A husband that didn’t disappear. Rather, two lives that simply went in different directions. Of course, if it had not been for the difficult divorce, I would not be on the path I am now. The hardship is exactly what forced me to re-evaluate, re-balance, and re-learn. I am thankful for that.

When I saw Christie Brinkley’s interview the other day (and her ex’s response), I immediately identified with her. So many people including Matt Lauer, it seems), do not understand what it is like to divorce someone who is entirely devoid of empathy and will not hesitate to lie to serve their own end. She has had a difficult divorce too, and I am sure that it has sent her on a new journey. I hope that she has been able to find strength and purpose in her new life. And, I hope for both of us that we are able to be grateful for the blessings in our own situations and not dwell too much on divorce envy.

Taming the Monkey Mind: Halfway Point

Posted on March 29, 2012March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

Usually when I run, the hardest part for me is getting to the halfway point. After that, my Nike iFit begins to count backwards (ex. 5 miles to go) and my brain begins to relax. For the first half, I feel like I’m choosing to run away from something (the start line, the car, the house). Once I hit the midway marker, I begin to run towards something.

The 28 day meditation challenge has occupied a similar spot in my brain. At first, I was mainly concerned with ticking off the days, ensuring that I didn’t miss any. Now, that part seems easy. I can let go of the training log and focus more on the destination. It’s interesting, the aspect that was the most difficult for me at first (practicing daily), has become simple. In fact, I think my key to incorporating meditation into my life long term is not to commit to doing it a few times a week, but to vow to practice daily. It is not like running, where the body needs a rest, and those days off are where my practice tends t slip into oblivion. I think the key for me will be to incorporate meditation daily in some form for some amount of time.

As far as the practice itself, that monkey mind isn’t much quieter, but it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I am able to calmly quiet it again. And again. And again. What I have found; however, is a change in my monkey mind in the other moments of my life. I seem to be able to stay more calm and centered. A good skill for a middle school teacher to have in the days leading up to spring break!