…and is that really what you want to carry?
If You’re Spewing Poison, It Means You’re Carrying a Reservoir of It
…and is that really what you want to carry?
Layering Isn’t Just for Sweaters
One of the most difficult aspects of separation is dealing with the memories. I remember on my first solo grocery shopping trip, I burst into tears at the sight of the sparkling water my husband used to buy. If I couldn’t even handle the sight of an innocuous green bottle, how was I ever going to handle the places and objects that sparked real memories?
In the early months, my primary strategy was avoidance as much as possible. It wasn’t easy, though, as I lived about 6 miles from our former home and I still worked just around the corner. I secured a P.O. box in the area for that first year and I would take the most circuitous, traffic-laden route to get there so that I didn’t have to drive by my old neighborhood. Even so, I lived with constant reminders since I was so close to the crime scene.
Even while I tried to practice avoidance with the everyday reminders, I sought to consciously layer memories of the big things, I fought to take back psychic possession of certain locations or activities that he and I had done together.I staked my claim on those memories I refused to let him have them. By revisited with others and layering memories, I could once again look at those places with fondness.
It was a surreal time. I dragged city-loving friends on hikes through the mountains. I faced the place in the airport where I last touched my ex with a date, on our way to see the Smithsonian. I went with groups of friends to the restaurant where he and I ate weekly.
At first, this layering was very deliberate, intentional. Over time, I found that it became second nature, even to the point of applying a second layer without thought. Much as one does with a sweater when the wind bites a bit too much.
Why Embracing Pain Is the Gateway to Growth
This article is a natural follow up to, “Let Pain be Your Teacher.” Viewing our pain as a lesson that leads to growth and wisdom allows us to soften to it. Let the pain be transient and the lessons permanent.
Why Embracing Pain Is the Gateway to Growth.
Procrastination of Happiness
I’ve never been one to put things off. Even as a kid, I would do all of my weekend homework as soon as I got home from school on Friday so that I didn’t have it hanging over my head. Just a few months ago, we had to move suddenly and around the holidays. I had all of the boxes unpacked and broken down in 24 hours. I coined the term, “reverse procrastinator” to describe myself; I would get things done quickly and under pressure, but I would accomplish them at the beginning of the timeframe, rather than against the actual deadline.
I’ve never been one to put things off. Apart from my own happiness, that is.
I used to have a tendency to tackle my endless lists, take care of those around me, and say that I would take care of myself tomorrow. Or during the coming weekend. Or maybe on the next school break. The trouble was that something else would always come up and take precedence. I didn’t see this as a big problem. I was happy enough, content. I thought that if I focused on my husband’s well-being, that would take care of the marriage. Besides, it felt selfish to focus on myself.
But putting off my own happiness didn’t save my marriage. It didn’t make my husband any happier. All it did was allow a few more crossed off items on the to-do list than I may have been able to accomplish otherwise.
I see things differently now. By taking time to take care of myself, I am a better teacher, a better partner, a better me. I still reverse procrastinate, but now I make sure that my happiness is also on the list of things to accomplish.
If You’re Going to Be a Scumbag, It’s Best Not to Have a Dog
I can thank a dog for my current relationship. I had gone out on two Match.com dates with my current partner, but was leaning towards another guy (foolish, I know). Then, I received an email that he had rescued a puppy and he attached a picture of the cutest pup with the biggest head I had ever seen. Well, I simply HAD to pay a visit to the puppy, didn’t I?
I was impressed that evening, with the dog, but mainly with his owner. The pup was around 6 months old and had been rescued about 6 weeks prior. He was calm, secure, and very obedient. I’ve watched enough Cesar Millan to know that this says more about the owner than the dog. I learned more about my boyfriend’s character that night through his dog than I had in two dates. I still had trouble trusting words that were spoken to me, but I knew that his relationship with his dog and his dog’s behavior could not be faked.
Dogs have an amazing ability to see inside a person. They do not fall for external appearances; they see through that smile to the emotions hidden below. Their behavior reflects that of the humans around them; if their owners are stressed and unbalanced, they will be too. They are mirrors. If I had been more astute, I might have picked up on this from the dogs I had in my marriage; they became stressed and withdrawn, especially the dog that was my husband’s.
So if you’re a scumbag and want to keep that fact hidden, it’s probably best that you don’t get a dog. They just might reveal your true nature.
Now that’s a balanced, happy pit bull!
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 